Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Falling into place

It has been a while since I wrote anything here, not that anyone is reading it or missed it lolol, and besides, they were often soooo negative and depressing. Life, for me anyway, is not a story book or a fairy tale. It doesn't have a happen ending or catchy phrases (ok maybe the catchy phrases :D ). It just is what it is.

I finely figured out why I am not married I think. Or at least I am in the process of figuring it all out. Maybe I will write about it another time, suffice it to say that it is about anger and sarcasm and comedy covering a multitude of self-esteem issues. I guess I thought the self-esteem issues went away because everyone said they would if I would just stop being so negative, but in truth, THEY were wrong.  The issues didn't go away, they went into deep hiding and instead became the root of responses to keep away more pain. I think I have had all the pain (much of it self-inflicted I freely admit) I can take in one lifetime and instead of taking chances, I make excuses to stay safe. Because the truth is, I don't want to be laughed at again. I don't want to be made fun of again, and I don't want to feel that worthlessness ever again.  I am smart, but not a genus.  I am fair, but also selfish, and I hate looking in mirrors because I know I will see the ugly disgusting fat slob looking back. And if that fat was capable of being gone, I have done enough to have gotten rid of it, IF it were possible to get rid of any more of it. It just isn't going anywhere no matter what I do.

So, where does this leave me? I don't know yet. The world itself seems to be crash diving into self destruction and who knows if anything other than survival will take presidence very soon. I don't know what I am for. But I do trust God, so I will continue to seek His face and hope for things unrealistic :/, and trust Him no matter what.  I have given up on ever being accepted, much less loved, but I still have my dreams and I still have a good job and God still takes care of me so I will live forward as much as I can. For God is GOOD all the time, and ALL the TIME, God is good!!

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