How much can a heart shatter before it literally bursts? How much emotional pain can one smother under before there is literally no more air to breathe? So many hurts, from so many different directions, all focused on the bulls-eye of my mind and heart. I can't even make the words rhyme anymore because of the weight that presses down. There is no one to talk it out with anymore and all I have left is this stupid bit of space in a vast universe of a void where my words echo only to bounce back the same endless litany. Even here and now, as I try to get the words out to describe each hit, so I can somehow see it from another angle, I can't do it. I don't want to speak the truth out loud because it just makes the holes bigger and more ragged.
No one can help me. There is no answer and no cure and no help. Before, before I used to believe that help would come when all seemed bleakest and all hope lost. Yeah, that foundational belief in people was ripped out after the world shattered. There is no help, no one is coming, and the truth is that no one cares unless you affect them personally. Otherwise they are too busy dealing with their own lives (and who am I to say that is not the way it should be). It just sucks for those of us here in the darkness, at the bottom of the pit, being ripped apart by demons. Some of our own making, but many handed to us by others. For those of us who truly walk alone, we have gotten really good at getting out of the pit by ourselves with only God as a hope and sometimes rescuer. But the pits just keep getting bigger and darker and God's voice so lost in the screams and cries that He can't be heard anymore. Or, maybe it is just like a wounded animal in so much pain that it snaps at the person trying to help and the pain drowns out all other sound but the endless screams burred inside. Yet, even that is quieting as weariness smothers even the endless pain into a kind of hopeless stupor.
And at the end of it all, here in the darkness, I know that the truth is, even if someone came, they couldn't help. People cannot heal people. Only God can use the things that are broken beyond Earthly repair. And only when He chooses to. Without God, there is nothing but the endless dark and echoing screams of a broken and shattered soul struggling to find enough light just to survive and tiring to the point that it doesn't really care anymore. Without God life has no value, but even having God, for some the value seems so very small. The truth is that God is the only thing that matters, but I am so tired of rescuing myself only to eventually fall back into this hole. What I need is a real miricle. An act of God. I don't want to be me anymore. But, I don't know if God will answer. I don't know if He will act. I only know He is here, He gives Grace, and He made promises that I am still waiting to see. I have nothing left today. I am spent and broken and without hope in any Earthly help. And although I don't really "hope" in God doing anything different than He has always done, I still trust Him. Even with a screwed up, mixed up, broken mess of me. In the gist of the words of Job, God is all I have that I can believe in, even if He allows the worst to happen or even allows me to die, I trust Him. I have NOTHING else.
(oh yeah, and on top of all that .... menopause so yeah.).
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