Sunday, February 7, 2016

There is a Path

So, continuing with the whole rise up and go thing (where the last post started as well lol).  God revealed something to me about HOW we walk in His Will affects our ability to walk the path He has made for us. The thoughts were barely formed and written, when Satan attacked me through the nature of the very things God was revealing about to me. I have struggled internally all day today to get my emotions back under control and Satan has poked at them every single time I started to find balance, so I tend to think that this revelation has some depth to it, at least for me, if for no one else. I was writing so fast in church today as the thoughts came and I felt like it was of serious substance, but I have not had a chance to sit down and focus again on it until now. So, lets see what we learn.

Today, the sermon was on getting up and just starting. It was about how the people in Ezra who stepped out to go and build the temple were those who's hearts had been moved by God. 

So, God will be calling forth His people, but it will only be the ones who are listening and paying attention that will hear the call to rise up and face this world and our times with God's anointing and his power. 

Then we read about the widow and her son, (I Kings 17:10-16) who were about to fix their last meal when this stranger (Elijah) showed up and told her that God would provide, but to fix him food first using the last bit they had.  The message there was that God directed, the widow responded, and then God provided a bowl that never emptied for years until the rains fell again and the widow and her son did not starve.  

This was followed with 3 John 1:2 which states, May you enjoy good health and all go well with you, even as your soul prospers. Tyler noted that God WANTS us to prosper in everything in our lives. NOT, btw, prosperity teaching, but (referencing 3 John) that God wants us to have healthy and good lives; that the health of our lives will directly reflect the health of our souls. 

And this is when the revelations started.  God especially blesses those who act in faith when hard times come.  Not because God is giving a special blessing to those people, but because those who walk in faith during the really hard times are placing themselves into the direct path of God's desired pathway.  God desires us to walk in faith of something bigger and more enduring than we ourselves are.  When we do this, we step onto the path that God has already laid out and His power is already flowing through. It isn't God giving us a special blessing because we were good little children, but our receiving the blessings God has already put in place because we line ourselves up with where He is. God blesses us all the time in our lives, but this is one of those places where we HAVE to come to Him for the power to flow. And when God's power flows, lives are changed and worlds change. 

(I have a sketch I am working on that shows all of this :D)

For those who choose to let themselves be overwhelmed by the world and its minions, and fret and worry, they are also blessed by God, but they cannot walk in power  because they have not placed themselves in the pathway of the flow that is already established. It isn't about being happy or having joy, it is about choosing to believe that God is in control of everything and that everything is Father Filtered (thanks Brenda lol). This is not a magical prescription that makes the bad stuff go away or even always removes our fears, but it DOES place us in the center of God's Will and His Flow of Power WHEREVER God is going.

This is something I have always struggled with. The whole concept of how do I say 'things are good,' for example, when my life is crashing down around me or I am sunk in sadness. To me, that was a lie.  I refused to say things were good unless things were good, but what I was not able to grasp until today, was that things are always good when viewed from an eternal perspective. I would not be lying, I would simply be claiming God's perspective instead of the World's. Doesn't change what I may be facing, but it reminds me constantly of what is REALLY important. 

Although there are those who would rather trust in themselves to get through life's tuff spots rather than God, but the path they have to walk is much more difficult and leaves a lot more scars. God still loves them and will still bless them, but they will never really walk in God's power because they are not on the path He prepared for them.  

Then there are the people like myself. Good Christians who want to trust completely in God, but somehow always get caught struggling with our emotions and worrying about the things of the world around us, like our jobs, families, hopes, dreams, etc...  So, we are also forging our own paths through the muck of the world around us, but we try to stay within sight of the path God wants us to take. We get the trickles of power that flow out along the pathway, but never walk in full strength and power. Our path constantly a struggle to accept and believe and continue to have faith when in reality, we choose to make our own way, just like those who have placed God in the background, except that we occasionally get little spurts of God Power when our path takes us closer to Gods, but we always know that there is something missing and we long for it, thus we stay within sight of the true path, even though we do not have the faith to walk it.  In a way, we are the saddest of all, because we know that we are crippled and that God can "heal" us, but we allow our fears brought on by this world to keep us fighting to try and make things work instead of resting in our faith that God has already handled it and we simply have to follow the path He laid out.  

It is time to CHOOSE to believe and have FAITH, and then, it is time to step onto the path that God has already prepared for me personally. A path where His power is already flowing in Spirit and Truth and all I have to do, is let go of my fears and worries and hurts, and simply walk and believe. THEN, THEN will my life change, because then I will be changed from the power of the Spirit of the Living God and when I am changed, the world around me will also be changed. Perhaps even literally, but for certain that which makes me, me will expand and grow and all those things I long, the closeness with my Heavenly Father that I crave, and the things that I never seem to be able to grasp will be the fruit of my flowing and growing in the Spirit and Power and Truth of God.

This is true for all of God children. There is no perfect place that we are supposed to be.  There is no perfect moment of making our choices that ends the cycle, but a constant every day, every minute decision to CHOOSE to believe in the Truth of God's WORD even when directly opposed to what we appear to be seeing around us. There is no "right place, right time."  It is not just for some Christians, but for all of us.  It is not a "luck of the draw" moment, but an always moment, open to anyone who chooses to trust God and walk out that trust even when everything around them is shouting that there is no hope. 

In my case, it is more often my own flesh that is shouting that hope has gone, that no one wants me or ever will; that I am broken beyond use to anyone.


My heart is broken, but not in a useless way. I am in the perfect place for choosing to hold on to Faith in God's plan for my life, even when everything around me to this point has shouted that I am useless. That I am too broken and have no worth to anyone.  I am in the perfect place to CHOOSE to step out on God's path, instead of trying to make everything work on my own while still staying close to God. I can CHOOSE to trust God and His WORD for my life and when His Spirit begins to flow, I will be in the middle of the path and He will flow through me!

As a side note - I have already been attacked by Satan using my own emotions against me over and over today and I can't help but believe that means that this is a big deal for me and will change the very nature of my life from this day forward.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

New Stones from Old Ones

So, today the pastor talked about in Ezra, how the people rebuilt the temple and the people were both excited because God was doing something new and sad because they remembered what they had once had and it was no more. All of this was in a lesson on Unity in the church and community, but this is what came to me.

God had the people of Israel build the new temple using the very stones that were lying on the ground from the old temple.  We are talking about Unity in the church, but I think God is reminding us not to forget that he is doing a new thing, but He is using the same stones from the old to build the new.

I once said something about how I read in the Bible how Paul talks about what powerhouses single people are, because they can focus more of their energy and time to Kingdom affairs than those who are married do not have time for because their attention has to be on their families first. Paul actually says that marriage is fine, but it is better for people to remain single so that they can focus on God and His Kingdom. An excellent example is Paul.

Now to tie this all together. I was told that the focus was more important to remain on young married couples since that is what most of our church is made out of.  This has bothered me .... a lot .... but until today I had not been about to put my finger on why that bothered me (other than being single and basically being told that I was of no use or value to my own church, but that is a separate issue :D).

If they try to build a "new thing" they are throwing out some of the stones instead of using them in the new temple, to refer back to Ezra.  The "new thing" they are creating will not be balanced without all the stones. It will just be another "new thing" that will fade or go stagnant, in a short period of time because nobody is listening. Just my opinion mind you.  But it has been very stagnant water for a long long time and now there is a hint of a trickle of fresh water coming into the quarry.  But there has to be some drastic changes made or that trickle will just be caved in over and the water will become stagnant once again.

This church started with the fire of young single people. And now many/most of them are middle-aged married couples and it feels like they are trying to shift the foundation of the church to that. And that is fine really, life is about change and growth, but what they have done in the process so far is throw out all the stones that are not in their vision of the new temple.  And I guess at the heart of it, that is the real problem.  They are following THEIR vision and not God's. They are building a "new thing" as they see it because they recognize that something is wrong with things the way it is, but God does not throw out the stones that are shaped a little different.  If you look at architecture, the stones that are shaped differently are the ones that are the key stones or are what provide the things that make a building unique or special.

This isn't well put together in my head yet, but I wanted to get a start on trying to figure out what all this means and if it means anything.  I know that we (and yes, several of us have talked about this so it isn't just me) feel abandoned and unwanted but I am not sure if it matters or if I even care enough to fight for it. There comes a time when you either accept what is happening or walk away.  Not giving up on God by any means :D, He is everything to me. Without God, I am merely dust with no hope and no purpose. But, I don't know if it is worth it to try and find a place in this "new thing" when it is made so clear that we do not have a position of any importance in it.

On top of or perhaps even in some ways because of, I quit trying to find a place and for the last few years have just drifted.  I spent so many years struggling constantly to be "seen"; to be a part, to have value and once I even thought I had a place, only to have the rug pulled out from under me when I thought I was finely helping to make a difference. Shrugs, that bothered me for a long time, but truth is now, it just seems like so much effort to even try when the acceptance will be always held over my head because I am not married or don't have kids, or whatever.   I accept the bitterness is my problem to deal with, and I have to forgive every-time I start to think on it, but I am damaged now.  Something broke besides my heart and I have changed. I am not the person I used to be.  I am broken now, or maybe I was always broken and just didn't see it until the world turned upside down on me. I am not even sure there is a way to fix what is wrong with me. I would have to care, and I am just so very tired and so very damaged. I am not sure that I will ever be able to find my way out of this endless tunnel of cold and dark. It is what it is, BUT I am and ever shall be my Father's Daughter and if He calls me I will come and if He sends me I will go.  He is just got to be very very clear and loud now, because I don't always know what is up or down anymore, but I know when I do hear Him, I will obey because there is nothing else. This world holds nothing for me except obedience to my Heavenly Father. I just have to be able to hear Him.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Falling into place

It has been a while since I wrote anything here, not that anyone is reading it or missed it lolol, and besides, they were often soooo negative and depressing. Life, for me anyway, is not a story book or a fairy tale. It doesn't have a happen ending or catchy phrases (ok maybe the catchy phrases :D ). It just is what it is.

I finely figured out why I am not married I think. Or at least I am in the process of figuring it all out. Maybe I will write about it another time, suffice it to say that it is about anger and sarcasm and comedy covering a multitude of self-esteem issues. I guess I thought the self-esteem issues went away because everyone said they would if I would just stop being so negative, but in truth, THEY were wrong.  The issues didn't go away, they went into deep hiding and instead became the root of responses to keep away more pain. I think I have had all the pain (much of it self-inflicted I freely admit) I can take in one lifetime and instead of taking chances, I make excuses to stay safe. Because the truth is, I don't want to be laughed at again. I don't want to be made fun of again, and I don't want to feel that worthlessness ever again.  I am smart, but not a genus.  I am fair, but also selfish, and I hate looking in mirrors because I know I will see the ugly disgusting fat slob looking back. And if that fat was capable of being gone, I have done enough to have gotten rid of it, IF it were possible to get rid of any more of it. It just isn't going anywhere no matter what I do.

So, where does this leave me? I don't know yet. The world itself seems to be crash diving into self destruction and who knows if anything other than survival will take presidence very soon. I don't know what I am for. But I do trust God, so I will continue to seek His face and hope for things unrealistic :/, and trust Him no matter what.  I have given up on ever being accepted, much less loved, but I still have my dreams and I still have a good job and God still takes care of me so I will live forward as much as I can. For God is GOOD all the time, and ALL the TIME, God is good!!