So, today the pastor talked about in Ezra, how the people rebuilt the temple and the people were both excited because God was doing something new and sad because they remembered what they had once had and it was no more. All of this was in a lesson on Unity in the church and community, but this is what came to me.
God had the people of Israel build the new temple using the very stones that were lying on the ground from the old temple. We are talking about Unity in the church, but I think God is reminding us not to forget that he is doing a new thing, but He is using the same stones from the old to build the new.
I once said something about how I read in the Bible how Paul talks about what powerhouses single people are, because they can focus more of their energy and time to Kingdom affairs than those who are married do not have time for because their attention has to be on their families first. Paul actually says that marriage is fine, but it is better for people to remain single so that they can focus on God and His Kingdom. An excellent example is Paul.
Now to tie this all together. I was told that the focus was more important to remain on young married couples since that is what most of our church is made out of. This has bothered me .... a lot .... but until today I had not been about to put my finger on why that bothered me (other than being single and basically being told that I was of no use or value to my own church, but that is a separate issue :D).
If they try to build a "new thing" they are throwing out some of the stones instead of using them in the new temple, to refer back to Ezra. The "new thing" they are creating will not be balanced without all the stones. It will just be another "new thing" that will fade or go stagnant, in a short period of time because nobody is listening. Just my opinion mind you. But it has been very stagnant water for a long long time and now there is a hint of a trickle of fresh water coming into the quarry. But there has to be some drastic changes made or that trickle will just be caved in over and the water will become stagnant once again.
This church started with the fire of young single people. And now many/most of them are middle-aged married couples and it feels like they are trying to shift the foundation of the church to that. And that is fine really, life is about change and growth, but what they have done in the process so far is throw out all the stones that are not in their vision of the new temple. And I guess at the heart of it, that is the real problem. They are following THEIR vision and not God's. They are building a "new thing" as they see it because they recognize that something is wrong with things the way it is, but God does not throw out the stones that are shaped a little different. If you look at architecture, the stones that are shaped differently are the ones that are the key stones or are what provide the things that make a building unique or special.
This isn't well put together in my head yet, but I wanted to get a start on trying to figure out what all this means and if it means anything. I know that we (and yes, several of us have talked about this so it isn't just me) feel abandoned and unwanted but I am not sure if it matters or if I even care enough to fight for it. There comes a time when you either accept what is happening or walk away. Not giving up on God by any means :D, He is everything to me. Without God, I am merely dust with no hope and no purpose. But, I don't know if it is worth it to try and find a place in this "new thing" when it is made so clear that we do not have a position of any importance in it.
On top of or perhaps even in some ways because of, I quit trying to find a place and for the last few years have just drifted. I spent so many years struggling constantly to be "seen"; to be a part, to have value and once I even thought I had a place, only to have the rug pulled out from under me when I thought I was finely helping to make a difference. Shrugs, that bothered me for a long time, but truth is now, it just seems like so much effort to even try when the acceptance will be always held over my head because I am not married or don't have kids, or whatever. I accept the bitterness is my problem to deal with, and I have to forgive every-time I start to think on it, but I am damaged now. Something broke besides my heart and I have changed. I am not the person I used to be. I am broken now, or maybe I was always broken and just didn't see it until the world turned upside down on me. I am not even sure there is a way to fix what is wrong with me. I would have to care, and I am just so very tired and so very damaged. I am not sure that I will ever be able to find my way out of this endless tunnel of cold and dark. It is what it is, BUT I am and ever shall be my Father's Daughter and if He calls me I will come and if He sends me I will go. He is just got to be very very clear and loud now, because I don't always know what is up or down anymore, but I know when I do hear Him, I will obey because there is nothing else. This world holds nothing for me except obedience to my Heavenly Father. I just have to be able to hear Him.
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