Going Crazy.... maybe lol

So, 24 hours or so later, I am totally ok.  Not happy, because let's face it, even when you can deal with the loneliness, it still isn't a happy place to be.  BUT, I am better equipped to face the day.   

So, pursuing through facebook I found this article and it made me laugh out loud for the humor, but it has stuck with me all day and now I just wonder.... Not that it makes a difference in what happens in the future, but just a glimpse perhaps into me and how I relate to the world around me. 

Here is the article:

http://seanchaidh101.tumblr.com/post/120772534048/onethingconstant-songbirde108

To sum up, it says that there is a certain way of walking by some people (in the article predominately male) that demonstrates an alpha that people in general recognize and respond to (in the article by getting out of their way). And I realized that I have never really had a problem with people not getting out of my way when I walk somewhere and it was a joke at first, but I have been thinking about that a lot. 

I am an alpha female.  That is not a common thing. It is more common now than in the past, but still not a common thing for a woman to be an alpha.  I know I am talking in fictional book terms, but that does not make it any less true and it explains so much to me about my personality. But I digress. I am a female alpha in a world full of predominately male alphas and I wonder...is that a major reason I have never been wanted by a guy.

To find a man who can accept a woman who is equal but different, an alpha like himself, that he is willing to support and stand behind and at the same time still be alpha enough himself to lead over a strong willed woman lol, that is a small group of men.  Then add onto that, a man who is attracted to or willing to overlook the physical appearance of a woman who is heavy/fat, then you get into almost negative numbers. 

But, I understand that I still have something today that I did not have yesterday.  Although my situation has not changed, today, I have hope again.  Small numbers do not mean non-existent. And God can still change ANY circumstance or heart. 

So, still reeling from a loneliness that never seems to end, a church that seems to want to pretend that we (older singles) don't exist or are not important to the whole of the church, a world that mocks those who do not fit a physical or world vision profile, and a lack of available God fearing Christian men willing to partner an overweight alpha female, I wait. 

I also think I want to make a point of saying too, that I might have once upon a time been much more passive, but a lifetime of having to fight my way alone, with no one to help me or lean on or hold me, ever has created an alpha female. Deep inside me there is still a little girl who simply wants to be loved. And there is always the possibility that a lot of my alpha-ness would fade away in an environment of love and security. But all of this is a moot point unless God chooses to end my exile. IF that ever happens I promise I will write (I will probably dance too, but ya know :) )