"On a long road, miles from home,
it's winding and cold and it's covered with snow.
I ask you what we all want to know,
Where are we going from here." - Blackmore's Night

I am so deep I can't find my way out, and the really scary part is I am no longer willing to fight to. I have nothing and no hope of ever having anything. I have finely lost my hope. The one thing that truly kept me going for so many years, is gone. Not said as a dramatic cry for help or attention, I wouldn't have even wrote it if I actually thought that anyone actually read this anymore :/ . I just wanted to pretend someone  somewhere, if only for a few seconds, that I mattered to someone.

Oh I know I matter to God. But God is not physically here. He can't give me a physical hug or let me cry on His shoulder and I am just so very tired of crying alone. Spending weeks without physical contact with another human being.  A job that continues to be more and more drowning. A family that has never understood me and finds it far to easy to go about their lives without me. A church that abandoned me in the moment of my life when it actually mattered. Friends, that moved on and left me behind (not blaming them, just dealing with the loss), and a lifetime of rejection by every eligible male I have ever known so I know that I am so damaged both physically and mentally that no one wants me.

Other people have friendships that last a lifetime, but none of my "friends" find my friendship worth holding on to through the years. And when I almost died, they couldn't be bothered to even check on me.

I am just in a very VERY dark and deep place right now. Maybe it will change, maybe I will someday self destruct, maybe nothing will change and instead of the misery ending with a bang it will eventually fade into nothing. I am so damaged, it would take a certified miracle from God to make my life tolerable.