Drowning in nothing

I know it has been a while since I posted anything, but to tell the truth things had gotten marginally better. Not that they had actually gotten better, but I was able to accept and handle them a little better (Book called Living with Thorns), but today has been a rough day. I have no one to talk to or cry out to, so this is my only way to express the internal before I impolode :/.

I am drowning in loneliness, emptyness that seems to stretch from as far back as I can see to as far in the future as I can imagine. There were moments of joy and light and belonging somewhere in the past that actually make the present even harder to bear because the loss of that light makes the darkness even darker.

The days of living at Scott's trailer on the weekends. Playing tag in the dusk in the hay field with Scott, Skip, and Rob. Miles of adventure with my best friends.

I feel so empty now. So lost in the darkness. No hatred to help me face the endless dark road ahead, just hopelessness. I don't even care that I was betrayed byt the people I expected to come through. I really don't, I jsut feel nothing except lost.

My body seems to be betraying me bit by bit, my eyesight is changing at a rate that I can actually track and that scares me. The aches and pains that I can't explain but hope are simply growth pains. The knowledge that someday my heart will fail and I will be alone when it happens just like I have always been alone.

I tried to build a friendship with some new single work peers, but they are simply too young and too ...'normal" to really appreciate hanging out with me. My oldest and dearest friends no longer ever respond to emails or texts so I am pretty sure they are done with me as well. I have casual friends, but they have lives and are internally too busy to really include me except as perhaps an occasional afterthought. Nothing aganist any of those people, life is what it is, I just wish that it were different. I am not even worth their memories, more like a simple footnote from the past...remember when...

All summer, I have sat here, alone. Trapped by geography and money. And that is the reality. No anger, no hatred, no hope of it ever changing, just drifting forward with the endless lonliness in a life that never really changes where it matters. And today I realized that I am really getting tired of the endless drifting. I see no way to change the future, but I am really starting to no care one way or another. I just sit here in the empty dark and drift and can't seem to find the energy to even fight to stay in the battle. I just want to let go and drift on the tideto tired to swim anymore to tired to fight off the sharks, to hopeless to even dream of a better future. It is what it is and it is too much effort to care that I am too broken to be of use to anyone, much less be desired by anyone. I am just ... tired. There is nothing left. so I drift.