I am fairly sure no one will read this or I wouldn't post it. Benjamin, you are the exception but I expect you to keep quiet abut it - thanks!! I just have to get this out somewhere or I ... anyway I need to put it down so I can get it out of my head.
I am one payment away from loosing my car. I am two payments behind on all of my bills and 3 of my medical bills have been turned into law firms even though I have been making 10.00 a month payments.
I am thinking of loosing my internet and phone and this payday (tomorrow) I will not have enough money for car payment rent and tithe much less food and medicine. I admit that I have not always made the wisest finiancial choices in the past, but THIS happened because of the heart attack. This happened because of something I could not stop or control and in fact had no way of even seeing that it was coming. (BTW healthy food costs a hell of a lot more than unhealthy food). course that is sort of irrelivant at the moment cause I can't afford any food.
I was even starting to get a loose handle on the situation when my tooth broke and absessed.
Now, everything is spirialing further and further out of control - even though I will be able to start making regular monthly payments again next month, I am so far behind that the interest rates and late fees are adding more to my debt than I can pay in a month. I don't konw what to do. I can't even afford the gas to go to church anymore, not that I felt connected to anyone or anything there the last few times I have gone. I am drowning and it is not the first time I have surfaced but it feels like the last.
How do you get out of a hole that just gets deeper and deeper even when I am trying to fill it up!! God!!!! I don't have anyone else! I am drowning and I can't get out and I don't deserve a miricle but I really need one. I REALLY don't know why You had me live. It would have been so much better for everyone if You had just let me die in North Carolina!! I am so broken both physically and mentally that I really don't have anything left and I don't know what You possibly think You could use me for unless it is to teach someone else a lesson useing my messed up broken life.
I don't deserve any help. I don't deserve to be loved or wanted or needed... but You created me to need all that and then denied it to me. I don't understand I don't understand anything. I don't expect anything, why should I, nothing I have ever begged You for has ever been answered, why would You answer or save me now. I didn't even beg you for my life, I told You I was perfectly fine which ever way you wanted to take it in the hospital, but the things I have begged and pleaded for, those things You not only didn't give me, but You wouldn't even give me an answer. So all i have left is knowing that I am so FUCKED UP there is no place for me anywhere. I REALLY can't keep going like this God I really can't and I am not just saying that, I literally don't know how to face tomorrow, or the day after or the week or month or year... I don't wnat to die, but I don't want to be here anymore. I have nothing left God, Nothing! I am so broken and empty and lost that I feel like I have fallen even from the breth of Your grace.
I am not really yelling at you God so much as letting out some of the screams inside my head that are so loud and painful they damage my thoughts. You are the only one who can help me, without You ALL is lost forever, but I feel like you no longer care. You PROMISED not to blow out a week candle nor break a broken reed, well I am at the end of my wick and the reed is bruised and broken and hanging by a thread, PLEASE can I have Mercy and Grace!!! Please please please!!!!! And Forgive me for questioning your love mercy and grace, I am sorry that I feel that way, but it is the way I feel. And if You have no intentions of changing anything, then would You at least make me so that I don't care about any of it.
Thanks
B
