Hold On

I haven't posted anything in a while because I really didn't think anything mattered anymore. I have spent the last few months falling deeper and deeper into a cesspool of hurt and anger and bitterenss and even on occasion hatred. Directed at God's "people" and myself (hey at least I am honest enough to know that I am guilty too). My heart broke literally this summer followed by my heart being shattered figuritavly in the days weeks and months that followed. I got to a place where I could forgive them, but every time some piddling thing happened and they jumped to bring people meals and stuff I find myself right back in that whirlpool of hurt and hatred.

I received a note recently from a friend who was telling me that she had to be corrected by God on how she was viewing her life before it could change and today's sermon seemed to be on how we are just screwed if we are not right where God wants us to be and I believe the words were...if you don't believe in what you are praying for, don't bother" at least that is what I "heard". So I was feeling hopeless and I got the picture in my head of being abandonded on a ship at sea in the middle of a ragin storm that was litterly beating the ship to pieces around me. I was standing on the rail ready to jump into the water and just let the wind and waves take me because the ship was coming apart around me and God said..."HOLD ON." And the image He sent was of me tying myself to the mast to face the storm because God was coming and not to abandon ths ship but to hold on. I am so scared to believe that this actually means that God is going to rescue me. I am so scared to trust Him to actually rescue me, but at the same time I know that there is nothing in this world or life that has meaning or worth apart from Him. So, although I cannot do what the pastor say to do by saying I am blessing and have God's favor when I do not believe that to be true (even if I want to believe it) but I CAN say that although things are very bad right now, I will HOLD ON! And that is ok because that is what God told me to do. He understands that I have tried, He understands what happened and how it broke me, He allowed it all and He has a plan and today He just reaced out to remind me that He is still here, even when He is silent and that He is coming, just Hold On.

So I am going to hold on until he comes.