Darkness

You know, whenever there is revelation and freedom brought from God, pretty soon it seems to always be followed by an attack from the other side. I hold so much inside anymore. I am afraid to let my true feelings and thoughts out because so many immediately pounced on them as selfish and self-centered. So now I hide them until I just can’t keep them from spilling over into the emptiness of cyberspace where they will hopefully be lost in the darkness with all the other lost souls. Am I self-centered? Well yeah, seeing I have not yet attained enlightened status or transcendence into an evolved being and remain simply human they are self-centered. But the honest truth is that I don’t do it on purpose. It is like I am smothered under a dark blanket that is literally trying to suffocate me. (I will also admit it has a very pronounced pattern of about every 5 weeks J). It just feels like I am so very alone and I am so very very tired of living life in this much pain.

Choices, I am told. All I simply have to do is choose to not feel this way or perhaps they mean that I just need to get over it. “They”, those who have no clue just how dark the night is. Those who sit snugly at home with their families or mates and pass judgment on something they have NEVER felt. Those who don’t stare into the dark night and hurt so much inside they just want the pain to end.

Drowning in the emotions of loving those who are incapable of loving back. I even know it is what we are called to, but sometimes it becomes a maelstrom, a vortex sucking the life and hope out of you until you just want to give up and let the water take you under. Struggling to breathe seems such a waste of time, never a strong swimmer at best, heart failing and lungs suffocating you just want to let go. Quit. After a lifetime of fighting, refusing to quit, because regardless of what “they” thought I have never been a quitter. But even that pride no longer having the pull it once had.

I know God loves me. I know Christ died for his love for me. I know the Holy Spirit lives inside me and yet, here, in the dead dark hours of the night when the rest of the world is silent I feel my heart lying like shattered pieces of lead weighing me down. My mind playing all manner of tricks on my heart, teasing it with visions of hope that it knows can never be while my body slumbers. The dreams becoming more and more important to escape the harsh mauling reality.

Will I give up? Will I give in? No, of course not! I have lived my life carrying a burden no one else can see, I can carry it as far as I need to. I just wish I could carry it with, if not joy, at least some semblance of purpose or need. More and more I feel the enemy isolating me. Making sure I see how I don’t belong anywhere, making sure I see that I am not wanted, making sure I see how worthless I am to those around me.

The truth is that I know that some of it (the most hurtful parts) are simply because I choose to surround myself with people who don’t know how to express love. Or possibly I just expect too much from others. Someone once told me that I sabotage myself by loving those who can’t love me back. I disagreed with them at the time because I believe the people I love are capable of great love, they just don’t know how to express it. I see it sleeping deep inside them sometimes and perhaps just wanted to be the one to wake it. But they never wake and I always end up along after the storm has passed broken and battered having poured out every thing they would allow to show them I care. Personally I always just thought I was good at seeing the amazing potential in people and just got caught up in the sight of the potential and forgot that sometimes potentials are never realized. The people they could be, not being the people they are.

The solution? I don’t know, but it helps to write it down and try to find some semblance in the chaos of my spiraling thoughts. Am I a fool? Not actually asking that question of anyone, just of myself. Am I a fool to hold on to a sliver of unjustified hope? God is in the business of bringing His people together, but the people always have the choice in weather or not to respond. And really, lets face it, I do not know how to stop loving someone. If it happens, it just happens over time as they fade from my heart. In that case I have years of living with a choking heart to go. But differently from any other moment in my life. This time is different and all the “faith” in the world will not help you if it is not what God has in store. I just wish He would take my heart and hold it close so I wont be so alone and so I could “feel” the emotion of being wanted and being loved.

I know, very tiring and self-pitting J and seeping over the walls, but putting on a “happy” face and going forward has NEVER changed anything. Doesn’t mean I won’t be doing exactly that, but the reality doesn’t change unless God says it changes. And right now, tonight, all I have is a sincere cry out to a mighty God and loving Father that I am so lost and alone and feel so unreachable to the world around me. And that is where I leave this post. Crying out into the darkness asking God to help me find a way when the last bit of ledge I am standing on is crumbling and falling away.