Ok warning, this is a pity party. Well a pity party and an attempt to understand where I am and where God wants me to go. I cannot truly seek God if I don’t acknowledge the truth of what I feel. Not to place any blame but to try and see how I got here and how to get out.
Well, here I am almost a week later, and still no answers. The sucking vortex of pain and emotion has eased somewhat (yeah, I seriously see a pattern there lol), but there are still no answers and merely more questions.
I have joined CR and although I don't feel like I really "NEED" it, I can see where I would very much like to be a part of people who care about each other and are willing to reach out to one another when they know they are hurting. I can also see where I can be used here. A place (as a friend put it) to actually use the "voice" God has given me. AND, they asked me to sing and play in their choir. Sing and play, the things I love more than anything else, THEY want me! They heard me and asked me to join them. A place where I am actually wanted. Still, I am not sure how far to go with this. I have problems and issues (who doesn’t) but no great childhood damages and hurts or major addictions, so I just don't know.
I also look at the familiar and feel like something is gone. The great attachment once felt is just gone. I still have fond feelings for many of those around me, but it is like my heart has been destroyed and I feel nothing but a lukewarm affection, even for those who I once held in HIGH esteem. Have they changed? Have I? Actually, I honestly think it is both of us. Something has made them seem cold and unfeeling or if not unfeeling, then just so busy being living that they are no longer connected to each other, (or that could just be me they are not connect to and they still connect to each other). And I, I have changed too. I don’t have the use of my heart at the moment. It was shattered beyond mortal repair. The lead weight in my gut making it even harder (and it has NEVER been a picnic) for me to even want to reach out to others. Losing the object of my affection is not so much causing me to not love the others, but to question how they can possibly love me when even those I thought were my best friends don’t want my affection or concern, much less my love. How do you reach out in love when you expect it to not only be rebuffed but returned in bloody pieces.
Ultimately, for me, everything boils down to feeling wanted. It is much easier to love people who love you and show it. And to some extent it is not that hard to love those who never show it, but there comes a time, when you just have nothing left to give.
The good news is that I do not think anyone hates me!! And I am very happy about that. The less happy news is that I don’t think they particularly care if I am there either. It is like I have been erased from the collective memory even though I am still standing there. Almost like a ghost drifting on the fringe but never really being a part. At least half of that is my fault and I accept the blame. I closed myself off because I became so overwhelmed with my own emotions and feelings that I became incapable of reaching out. Yes I know, very self-centered of me, well it is my blog LOL. Ok, it is the blog space that God gifted me with (I heard that phrase in church today and I think I need to say it a lot more because I am way to dependent on thinking I have things to offer when in fact it is the things God has made me steward of that I have to offer and not anything I own myself).
I also despise being told to “Buck Up”. To me it is the same as telling someone who is starving to be well and giving them nothing to eat or someone who is freezing to be safe and giving them nothing to keep warm. I don’t hate the people who use it, because I see how it has kept them alive and centered. I can even see how it is a useful idea with positive and beneficial results for others, but I resent the implication that this hell in my head is simply my own fault or my own choices, and if I would simply “get over it,” everything would be peachy. I resent the implication that I choose to be this way or that I like it.
I am being torn apart from the inside and I sit in church screaming incoherently like a banshee in my head and no one hears me. I act normal, while inside, I am a shrieking mass of pain doubled over, unable to even catch my breath as I beg God to make me go away. And then, I go home. Alone. Then I travel through the valley of the shadow of death to arrive at an empty house with empty dreams. And the ONLY person who ever goes with me is God, and as grateful as I am about the fact that He is with me always, sometimes it just isn’t enough to make the pain go away.
God is a supernatural intangible being and His people are supposed to be His hands. What happens to those who have only the spirit and never feel the touch of another person? I will tell you what happens to them, they become lost in the swirling vortex of their own emotions and feelings because they have NOTHING TANGIBLE to hold on to.
So, where does this little rant and rave leave me? Again, I don’t know. I don’t know if God wants me to ride it out and stay in the boat, or is He using circumstances to try and direct my path into another course. And how much of my confusion is because the object of my “heart” is somewhere else and I simply want to be wherever he is (even though he doesn’t want me – I know, pathetic aren’t I). So much chaos and no answers in sight, but I will keep praying and keep listening and maybe I will actually be able to hear what God is trying to say and not what I want to hear, or what I expect to hear, or even fear to hear, but what God is actually saying. Until then I will fight the emotional crush as much as I know how, and hold on to the FACT that God LOVES me!! And God wants the very best for me!! And God does not want me to be alone!! I HAVE to hold on to the fact that God does not want me to be alone and He is working always on my behalf to not only bring me someone, but to show me also how to walk through this valley of shadowy death and He promises to be with me every step of the way. And I am holding on to that promise with every breath in my body and every beat of my heart.
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