tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16374440282579251022024-02-29T12:56:12.044-06:00Stones of RemembranceIn the Old Testament the people of God would build stone alters whenever something significant happened to them to mark the place and be a permanent reminder of a moment in time, a gift or intervention from God. This is my garden of stones of remembrance - moments to mark places and times when God the Father has spoken, reveled, comforted, warned, or simply given a miracle to me.Rebecca at the Wellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11445168229146092461noreply@blogger.comBlogger107125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1637444028257925102.post-76338187967713832802024-02-29T12:55:00.002-06:002024-02-29T12:55:18.197-06:00<p> </p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Algerian; font-size: 28.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Echoes<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">The problem is not that I hate my
life.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">My life on Earth is not so bad.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I have a home and a reliable car.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I have food to eat and never go
hungry.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I have a dependable job that is better
than many.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I make enough money to pay all of my
bills.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I am saved by Grace and Mercy of the
living God and<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>He
claims me as His own.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I am the bride of Christ who loved me
so much he <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>took
my death to save me.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I can see and hear; I can feel and
touch; I can taste <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>and
smell the world around me.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I am able to move and walk and climb
without assistance.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I can read and write and do math and
science.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I can hug and be hugged and I can
speak and sing.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I can be serious and I can be silly.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I can be passionate or turn cold.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I can ride a horse or a motorcycle,
even if not as well<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>as
in my dreams.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I can think and hope.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I can rhyme as the mood strikes.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I can feel all the ups and downs of
the roller-coaster world we live in.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">But;<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">There is something inside me that
rages and sobs for the things<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I
don’t have.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Something much deeper than conscious
thought, beyond the <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>open
places in my mind.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Something that does not want to wake
in the morning.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">It knows what I have, but despairs for
what I have not.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Something that lives in the deepest
place in my soul and it’s <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>whimpers
heard loudest in the night when the world is still,<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>but
not confined only to the darkest hours.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Something that feels broken and
worthless;<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Cast away rubbish that no one wants.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">It cries out in the darkness with
tears and pleading; sometimes <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>just
begging, but always a prayer.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Still trudging forward, it’s lost
echoes unanswered, the last <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>hope
now faded through the long empty night.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">12/07/23<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">RaF<o:p></o:p></span></p>Rebecca at the Wellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11445168229146092461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1637444028257925102.post-63172360743344266702024-02-27T16:41:00.000-06:002024-02-27T16:41:03.710-06:00<p><b><span style="font-size: medium;"> Crush Depth</span></b></p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">The crushing weight of grief and hurt</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">almost steal my breath
</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">with it's biting pain of rejection and
loss.</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">A one-two punch that leaves my heart
bleeding
</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">with hopelessness a choking darkness
</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">that smothers even as it rends.</p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">I have been here before.</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">But, God says I must keep going,</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">even as I choke on the blood
</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">that pores from my savaged wounded
heart.</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">What worth can I possibly have</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">to the God of Heaven I cannot guess</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">if I have no worth at all to anyone
here?</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">And worst of all I did it to myself;</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">In my hope I flew too near
the Sun.</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">I apologize for my dark mood,</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">and I am sorry for adding a dark tint</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">to what was supposed to be only fun.</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">But the tears are literally tearing
themselves</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">out of my eyes aganist my will,</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">as total darkness falls around me</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">and the inner screams began.
</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Franklin</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">02-27-24</p>Rebecca at the Wellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11445168229146092461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1637444028257925102.post-56342108319732638502019-12-31T17:40:00.002-06:002019-12-31T17:44:49.728-06:00Called to stand<span style="font-size: large;">I was just sitting here on my couch, alone, as usual, in the quiet, drinking my coffee and day dreaming/thinking when I started writing a speech in my head. I was thinking of posting it on FB but I realized that it was a little too personal for that so I figured I would post it here where no one comes anymore and if they did they either don't know me or are an old friend and either way it won't matter.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I grew up wanting to belong to someone. The whole white picket fence and little house and cosy relationship. God handed me a sword. I dreamed to the point of desperation of being rescued and protected by a knight I could call my own. God gave me a shield. I never wanted to be in the battle at all, but God placed me on the front lines, bloodied, alone, and scared.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I never wanted to be single, desperately craved being accepted by at least just one person for who I was. Oh I realize that my being in a relationship would be a pitched battle itself as I am very independent and have spent a lifetime going my own way because there was no one else to appeal to. If things had to get done, I had to do them. If I wanted something I had to figure out how to get it and backing down those years of existence would be a difficult thing. But one I would have thrown myself into with all my heart if I had ever had the chance.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">But God never answered my prayers. He never said no, but He also never said Yes. He just left me in a dark limbo for almost 40 years with no answers and no hope to hold on to other than He hadn't said no. That is not much when you are getting old and your arms are tired of holding on and the darkness promises oblivion.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Here it is 2020, lol almost 24 years past when I was sure I would die as a kid. And another 10 years past what I thought was the end as an adult. Still here. Still don't know why. Still standing on the front lines, battered, covered in blood (most of it mine) and filth as I stagger up to face the enemy's charge once again. My hope for the dream is almost completely gone, the reality of the life I live crowding out every spare moment. So I sit here. Waiting for nothing... just waiting for an end that I cannot begin to guess, but I know is getting closer. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">So, I will rise to my knees and then to my feet. Set my feet and legs so that they will not be moved and face the charge of the enemy who roams like a lion to devour any he can find to attack. I never wanted to be a warrior, but God called me to the front lines and equipped me to stand, even alone, to face the one who would destroy as many as he could. So, I will stand, I will set my face and I will hold the line until the battle is over and we have won, or until God calls me in. Don't mistake the tears running down my face as weakness. No, I never wanted to be here and this job was never really intended for one such as I, but I am my father's servant and obedient daughter and I will not fall as long as He stands with me. I will stand resolute, even though my heart is long broken, and my dreams are gone, I will stand.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>Rebecca at the Wellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11445168229146092461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1637444028257925102.post-50978802073934521282019-01-04T00:06:00.000-06:002019-01-04T00:06:07.513-06:00<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">The Parting of the Red Sea</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
So, I have been looking at some artwork of a friend and she was asking friend's advice on what to name her latest piece and it struck me that it appeared to me like the beginning of the parting of the Red Sea and I started to feel like there was something much deeper here and then I started listening and things started rolling out.<br />
<br />
I know what it feels like to have my back to an insurmountable obstacle and facing overwhelming circumstances? You want to cry out to God that you were doing everything you can. You try to follow what you think He wants and you still end up here; nowhere to go and no way to go back.<br />
<br />
Then God reminded me that the people of Israel had their backs to an insurmountable sea and they faced an overwhelming army of men and horses and chariots. Nowhere to go, death before them and destruction behind them, and then God reveled Himself in a death defying and undeniable way. Over and over in the Bible there are stories of God's followers seemingly trapped by life and circumstances, sometimes out of their control and sometimes of their own making. But THEN God reveals Himself and they learn that He was there all along. The Children of Israel are one of the best examples of that. But the plan goes back so much further and can only be seen from nearer the endgame.<br />
<br />
Not the beginning, but picking up when Joseph's brothers were so jealous that they sold him to Egypt to be a slave. (Not a good thing) and Joseph ends up in a situation, NOT of his own making and innocent that gets him thrown into jail. (Again, not a good thing). But it is there that he meets and makes the connections that eventually lead to him becoming second only to the Prince of Egypt and in a position to save the entire Jewish race from starvation. Roll forward a couple hundred years and the Israelites became so numerous that Egypt feared what they might do and eventually forced them into slavery, even going so far as to murder all of the 1st born male children to stop their population expansion. It was during this time a baby boy, that would have otherwise been killed, was placed in a floating basket and cast into the Nile (where the crocodiles lived, you know the big aggressive ones) only to float safely up to a bathing Egyptian Princess and became adopted as her own; becoming a Prince of Egypt. His own birth mother brought in as a wet nurse to teach him the ways of his own people. So when he saw his people being abused, he could not stand by and ended up through a series of events lasting over 40 years, including some bad choices of his own, becoming a vessel for God to speak through to the King of Egypt to demand that the Israelites be released from their bondage. In this process was also a whole list of events that the world had never seen before or since in a list of plagues that swept through Egypt ending in the death of all 1st born sons with whom the Passover blood had not been posted (A little payback perhaps). And so the people walked out of Egypt, dancing and singing, only to end up on the banks of the Red Sea with nowhere to run or hide and death on their heels. And God showed up. He literally dried a path through the depths of an ocean (can you imagine the canyon walls of water so high you couldn't see the top, but the sand you walk on firm and dry) then he appeared as a funnel of flame that held the Egyptian army back until the Israelites had time to cross that vast sea. This was not a quick jaunt across a pond, but a journey that took days and nights of walking and camping to get thousands of people across an ocean on foot. And when they were across the funnel disappeared and the army charged in. (I always wonder what they were thinking... being told to charge into a path cut through walls of water). Then God released the water and the army was swallowed by the Sea.<br />
<br />
So, I reminded you of that, to tell you this. God has a plan. That plan has not been messed up due to anything we or anyone else has done. That plan was set in motion long before we were born, like a movie whose lines we were born to say because even though we will make the choices, God knew from the beginning what those choices would be. We cannot circumvent God. He is far more powerful than anything we can do. So don’t be afraid that you messed up God’s plan for your life. If you have made mistakes, repent, and face forward with the intent to live more Christ like from this point on.<br />
<br />
If you are out there, up against a wall of unending water that only seems to pull you down to drown in the depths. God is about the show up. I don't know exactly when or where or how, but He is about to start parting the water and don’t waste your time worrying about the things you cannot control. Step forward when He calls time to move and have Faith that He is about to step in with miracles that the world has not seen before. God is getting ready to make His presence known to the world and to His people and the harvest is about to begin. So make ready. Gather what is important to you and your family, prepare yourself for God to move and most of all, be prepared to move with Him. Blessings in this new year and keep watch. The time is drawing ever close<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white; font-size: large;">The </span></div>
Rebecca at the Wellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11445168229146092461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1637444028257925102.post-4424005397701930302017-05-12T18:29:00.002-05:002017-05-12T18:31:30.169-05:00No such thing as "time"<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 28.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Slightly Bad Girls of the Bible <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">by: Liz Curtis Higgs<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 28.0pt; line-height: 107%;">My reflections of a prodical Daughter<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;">A few years
ago I read Higgs’ books Bad Girls of the Bible and More Bad Girls of the Bible
and laughed and reflected and learned. So, when the opportunity came to get her
new book Slightly Bad Girls of the Bible I was all in (I might even have
fangirled a bit when I found out she was there and autographing them too).
Anyway, as I began to read the first chapters about Sarai I was not expecting
much because let’s face it, I do not have children, have never wanted children
of my own and am perfectly happy this way. And then I get to the meat of the
story. Sarai’s pettiness and bitterness and, drum roll here, how long she had
to wait to receive a promise from God.
Suddenly, my own struggles with singleness and loneliness were not as
uncommon as I thought. Not that our
desires were the same, but at the core, both of us were burdened and
overwhelmed with a life we didn’t want or choose and had no option to change. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;">So, Sarai,
long past the age of hope, is given a message that her life is going to change
and everything she ever dreamed of having is going to happen. I imagine there
were years of joy and faith, then perhaps that surety faded into hope and
prayer until finely nothing was left but despair and bitterness of not only not
gaining the thing most prized of all, but of a seemingly broken promise. Maybe God didn’t always keep His promises,
maybe He changed His mind, maybe I did something to screw up my own reward is
probably the thoughts that crosses Sarai’s mind as the years passed. I know
they have mine. Author Liz added, that
Sarai had to have been thinking, TOO LATE!!! You are Too Late when she was 75
and already through the change of life. Staring at calendars and clocks instead
of facing God is where Sarai went wrong and just like her, it is where we go
wrong too. I have been staring into the
clock of my life and have given up because of the “time.” Too old, the world
says. Too old, my family says. Too old I say to myself in the mirror, and God
replies, “Nothing is impossible for me.”
<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;">But, like
us, Sarai, began to think of ways to MAKE God’s prophesy come true. In her
desperation to have a baby she gave her servant to her husband as a second wife
to have a child that she was probably planning to take and raise. Who knows
what she was thinking, but it seriously could not have been very coherent
because who couldn’t see the end of that story coming a mile away like a
runaway train. But then, desperation
makes us do stupid things. Things that
we would never try in an ordinary circumstance because they are obviously not
good choices. But desperation makes us think that we do not have the time
(there we go back to clock watching again) to wait for our miracle or our
promise. It is not happening in OUR
timing so we must not be doing something right, therefore making it our
responsibility to change or make a way for it.
Bringing our thinking right back to center around ourselves. Our needs,
our time, our lives, our promises, like we have any power at all to change the
course of God’s Divine Will. ( Not saying that we cannot make choices that can
and do alter our lives, but ultimately God’s Will is the way it will end, we
just make ourselves go down much longer and rougher roads than necessary
because of our choices).<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;">But enough
about Sarai’s choices and her doubt, eventually, God dealt with her doubt and
God is big enough to deal with our doubt as well. Who knows the mind of God, so who can say why
God allowed Ishmael to be born (causing thousands of years of war and death to
this day) but he did and one very large lesson we can get from it is this:
Ishmael is the man made attempt to fulfill a destiny of God’s without God’s
Blessing and Isaac is the miraculous divine fulfillment of a promise by the
creator and giver of that promise, Jehovah.
You may arrange circumstances to look like your dreams have been granted
by your Heavenly Father, but unless God makes the path, it is NOT a fulfillment
of His Promises and ultimately will not satisfy you. It is the same for ANY of
our dreams and hopes. If they are not part of God’s plan for our lives then
they will never bring us joy or hope. It is only though the mercy and grace and
blessings from above that we find any sense of true contentment and well-being. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;">In my case,
this means my being single all these years was not a mistake! I did not do anything to make it not happen!
I am not too ugly or fat or stupid for anyone to love! I am not unlovable! It simply
means that God’s plan for my life did not involve marriage. BUT even though it
seems as if my “time” has run out, that I am too old for love and too old to do
all the things I wanted to do, God is bigger than time. In fact, time is simply
a human created measurement so that we could track the passage of existence and
God is certainly bigger than anything humans could create. Like Sarah, I have
to see and understand that TIME is irrelevant to the God of the Universe. Not
that this is to say that I will ever get married, (God did not promise me
anything) but as long as I continue to place His Will before my own desires and
dreams, then I will be better off because He wants only the best for my good,
and only He knows exactly what that is.
Therefore, I have to take my eyes off the clock and keep my eyes focused
on Him because to God there is no such thing as time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;">So, as a
person who loves kids but has no interest ever in having my own found common
ground with a woman who was desperate for children and found that she had
something important to teach me about not only God’s timing, but about time in
general. And in a time of life where hope seems to be in short supply, her
story reminded me again that NOTHING is too big for God. And even if He doesn’t
make a big production of it (like holding the Sun in place for a battle to be
won, (Although techniquely would it mean he held the Earth still instead,
because the Earth is the one causing day and night by rotation – don’t you just
love my brain?) lol) He can still alter the very laws of physics and nature
when he wishes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Rebecca at the Wellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11445168229146092461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1637444028257925102.post-49635728759626490532016-02-07T20:20:00.000-06:002016-02-07T21:56:13.588-06:00There is a Path<span style="font-size: large;">So, continuing with the whole rise up and go thing (where the last post started as well lol). God revealed something to me about HOW we walk in His Will affects our ability to walk the path He has made for us. The thoughts were barely formed and written, when Satan attacked me through the nature of the very things God was revealing about to me. I have struggled internally all day today to get my emotions back under control and Satan has poked at them every single time I started to find balance, so I tend to think that this revelation has some depth to it, at least for me, if for no one else. I was writing so fast in church today as the thoughts came and I felt like it was of serious substance, but I have not had a chance to sit down and focus again on it until now. So, lets see what we learn.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Today, the sermon was on getting up and just starting. It was about how the people in Ezra who stepped out to go and build the temple were those who's hearts had been moved by God. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">So, God will be calling forth His people, but it will only be the ones who are listening and paying attention that will hear the call to rise up and face this world and our times with God's anointing and his power. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Then we read about the widow and her son, (I Kings 17:10-16) who were about to fix their last meal when this stranger (Elijah) showed up and told her that God would provide, but to fix him food first using the last bit they had. The message there was that God directed, the widow responded, and then God provided a bowl that never emptied for years until the rains fell again and the widow and her son did not starve. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">This was followed with 3 John 1:2 which states, May you enjoy good health and all go well with you, even as your soul prospers. Tyler noted that God WANTS us to prosper in everything in our lives. NOT, btw, prosperity teaching, but (referencing 3 John) that God wants us to have healthy and good lives; that the health of our lives will directly reflect the health of our souls. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">And this is when the revelations started. God especially blesses those who act in faith when hard times come. Not because God is giving a special blessing to those people, but because those who walk in faith during the really hard times are placing themselves into the direct path of God's desired pathway. God desires us to walk in faith of something bigger and more enduring than we ourselves are. When we do this, we step onto the path that God has already laid out and His power is already flowing through. It isn't God giving us a special blessing because we were good little children, but our receiving the blessings God has already put in place because we line ourselves up with where He is. God blesses us all the time in our lives, but this is one of those places where we HAVE to come to Him for the power to flow. And when God's power flows, lives are changed and worlds change. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">(I have a sketch I am working on that shows all of this :D)</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">For those who choose to let themselves be overwhelmed by the world and its minions, and fret and worry, they are also blessed by God, but they cannot walk in power because they have not placed themselves in the pathway of the flow that is already established. It isn't about being happy or having joy, it is about choosing to believe that God is in control of everything and that everything is Father Filtered (thanks Brenda lol). This is not a magical prescription that makes the bad stuff go away or even always removes our fears, but it DOES place us in the center of God's Will and His Flow of Power WHEREVER God is going.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">This is something I have always struggled with. The whole concept of how do I say 'things are good,' for example, when my life is crashing down around me or I am sunk in sadness. To me, that was a lie. I refused to say things were good unless things were good, but what I was not able to grasp until today, was that things are always good when viewed from an eternal perspective. I would not be lying, I would simply be claiming God's perspective instead of the World's. Doesn't change what I may be facing, but it reminds me constantly of what is REALLY important. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Although there are those who would rather trust in themselves to get through life's tuff spots rather than God, but the path they have to walk is much more difficult and leaves a lot more scars. God still loves them and will still bless them, but they will never really walk in God's power because they are not on the path He prepared for them. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Then there are the people like myself. Good Christians who want to trust completely in God, but somehow always get caught struggling with our emotions and worrying about the things of the world around us, like our jobs, families, hopes, dreams, etc... So, we are also forging our own paths through the muck of the world around us, but we try to stay within sight of the path God wants us to take. We get the trickles of power that flow out along the pathway, but never walk in full strength and power. Our path constantly a struggle to accept and believe and continue to have faith when in reality, we choose to make our own way, just like those who have placed God in the background, except that we occasionally get little spurts of God Power when our path takes us closer to Gods, but we always know that there is something missing and we long for it, thus we stay within sight of the true path, even though we do not have the faith to walk it. In a way, we are the saddest of all, because we know that we are crippled and that God can "heal" us, but we allow our fears brought on by this world to keep us fighting to try and make things work instead of resting in our faith that God has already handled it and we simply have to follow the path He laid out. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">It is time to CHOOSE to believe and have FAITH, and then, it is time to step onto the path that God has already prepared for me personally. A path where His power is already flowing in Spirit and Truth and all I have to do, is let go of my fears and worries and hurts, and simply walk and believe. THEN, THEN will my life change, because then I will be changed from the power of the Spirit of the Living God and when I am changed, the world around me will also be changed. Perhaps even literally, but for certain that which makes me, me will expand and grow and all those things I long, the closeness with my Heavenly Father that I crave, and the things that I never seem to be able to grasp will be the fruit of my flowing and growing in the Spirit and Power and Truth of God.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">This is true for all of God children. There is no perfect place that we are supposed to be. There is no perfect moment of making our choices that ends the cycle, but a constant every day, every minute decision to CHOOSE to believe in the Truth of God's WORD even when directly opposed to what we appear to be seeing around us. There is no "right place, right time." It is not just for some Christians, but for all of us. It is not a "luck of the draw" moment, but an always moment, open to anyone who chooses to trust God and walk out that trust even when everything around them is shouting that there is no hope. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">In my case, it is more often my own flesh that is shouting that hope has gone, that no one wants me or ever will; that I am broken beyond use to anyone.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">THAT IS A LIE!!!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">My heart is broken, but not in a useless way. I am in the perfect place for choosing to hold on to Faith in God's plan for my life, even when everything around me to this point has shouted that I am useless. That I am too broken and have no worth to anyone. I am in the perfect place to CHOOSE to step out on God's path, instead of trying to make everything work on my own while still staying close to God. I can CHOOSE to trust God and His WORD for my life and when His Spirit begins to flow, I will be in the middle of the path and He will flow through me!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">As a side note - I have already been attacked by Satan using my own emotions against me over and over today and I can't help but believe that means that this is a big deal for me and will change the very nature of my life from this day forward.</span>Rebecca at the Wellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11445168229146092461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1637444028257925102.post-1205281900557036742016-01-17T22:21:00.004-06:002016-01-17T22:21:54.988-06:00New Stones from Old OnesSo, today the pastor talked about in Ezra, how the people rebuilt the temple and the people were both excited because God was doing something new and sad because they remembered what they had once had and it was no more. All of this was in a lesson on Unity in the church and community, but this is what came to me.<br />
<br />
God had the people of Israel build the new temple using the very stones that were lying on the ground from the old temple. We are talking about Unity in the church, but I think God is reminding us not to forget that he is doing a new thing, but He is using the same stones from the old to build the new.<br />
<br />
I once said something about how I read in the Bible how Paul talks about what powerhouses single people are, because they can focus more of their energy and time to Kingdom affairs than those who are married do not have time for because their attention has to be on their families first. Paul actually says that marriage is fine, but it is better for people to remain single so that they can focus on God and His Kingdom. An excellent example is Paul.<br />
<br />
Now to tie this all together. I was told that the focus was more important to remain on young married couples since that is what most of our church is made out of. This has bothered me .... a lot .... but until today I had not been about to put my finger on why that bothered me (other than being single and basically being told that I was of no use or value to my own church, but that is a separate issue :D). <br />
<br />
If they try to build a "new thing" they are throwing out some of the stones instead of using them in the new temple, to refer back to Ezra. The "new thing" they are creating will not be balanced without all the stones. It will just be another "new thing" that will fade or go stagnant, in a short period of time because nobody is listening. Just my opinion mind you. But it has been very stagnant water for a long long time and now there is a hint of a trickle of fresh water coming into the quarry. But there has to be some drastic changes made or that trickle will just be caved in over and the water will become stagnant once again. <br />
<br />
This church started with the fire of young single people. And now many/most of them are middle-aged married couples and it feels like they are trying to shift the foundation of the church to that. And that is fine really, life is about change and growth, but what they have done in the process so far is throw out all the stones that are not in their vision of the new temple. And I guess at the heart of it, that is the real problem. They are following THEIR vision and not God's. They are building a "new thing" as they see it because they recognize that something is wrong with things the way it is, but God does not throw out the stones that are shaped a little different. If you look at architecture, the stones that are shaped differently are the ones that are the key stones or are what provide the things that make a building unique or special. <br />
<br />
This isn't well put together in my head yet, but I wanted to get a start on trying to figure out what all this means and if it means anything. I know that we (and yes, several of us have talked about this so it isn't just me) feel abandoned and unwanted but I am not sure if it matters or if I even care enough to fight for it. There comes a time when you either accept what is happening or walk away. Not giving up on God by any means :D, He is everything to me. Without God, I am merely dust with no hope and no purpose. But, I don't know if it is worth it to try and find a place in this "new thing" when it is made so clear that we do not have a position of any importance in it.<br />
<br />
On top of or perhaps even in some ways because of, I quit trying to find a place and for the last few years have just drifted. I spent so many years struggling constantly to be "seen"; to be a part, to have value and once I even thought I had a place, only to have the rug pulled out from under me when I thought I was finely helping to make a difference. Shrugs, that bothered me for a long time, but truth is now, it just seems like so much effort to even try when the acceptance will be always held over my head because I am not married or don't have kids, or whatever. I accept the bitterness is my problem to deal with, and I have to forgive every-time I start to think on it, but I am damaged now. Something broke besides my heart and I have changed. I am not the person I used to be. I am broken now, or maybe I was always broken and just didn't see it until the world turned upside down on me. I am not even sure there is a way to fix what is wrong with me. I would have to care, and I am just so very tired and so very damaged. I am not sure that I will ever be able to find my way out of this endless tunnel of cold and dark. It is what it is, BUT I am and ever shall be my Father's Daughter and if He calls me I will come and if He sends me I will go. He is just got to be very very clear and loud now, because I don't always know what is up or down anymore, but I know when I do hear Him, I will obey because there is nothing else. This world holds nothing for me except obedience to my Heavenly Father. I just have to be able to hear Him.Rebecca at the Wellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11445168229146092461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1637444028257925102.post-67780866645990738452016-01-05T20:55:00.001-06:002016-01-05T20:59:08.288-06:00Falling into placeIt has been a while since I wrote anything here, not that anyone is reading it or missed it lolol, and besides, they were often soooo negative and depressing. Life, for me anyway, is not a story book or a fairy tale. It doesn't have a happen ending or catchy phrases (ok maybe the catchy phrases :D ). It just is what it is.<br />
<br />
I finely figured out why I am not married I think. Or at least I am in the process of figuring it all out. Maybe I will write about it another time, suffice it to say that it is about anger and sarcasm and comedy covering a multitude of self-esteem issues. I guess I thought the self-esteem issues went away because everyone said they would if I would just stop being so negative, but in truth, THEY were wrong. The issues didn't go away, they went into deep hiding and instead became the root of responses to keep away more pain. I think I have had all the pain (much of it self-inflicted I freely admit) I can take in one lifetime and instead of taking chances, I make excuses to stay safe. Because the truth is, I don't want to be laughed at again. I don't want to be made fun of again, and I don't want to feel that worthlessness ever again. I am smart, but not a genus. I am fair, but also selfish, and I hate looking in mirrors because I know I will see the ugly disgusting fat slob looking back. And if that fat was capable of being gone, I have done enough to have gotten rid of it, IF it were possible to get rid of any more of it. It just isn't going anywhere no matter what I do.<br />
<br />
So, where does this leave me? I don't know yet. The world itself seems to be crash diving into self destruction and who knows if anything other than survival will take presidence very soon. I don't know what I am for. But I do trust God, so I will continue to seek His face and hope for things unrealistic :/, and trust Him no matter what. I have given up on ever being accepted, much less loved, but I still have my dreams and I still have a good job and God still takes care of me so I will live forward as much as I can. For God is GOOD all the time, and ALL the TIME, God is good!!Rebecca at the Wellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11445168229146092461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1637444028257925102.post-66524662407547330892015-08-09T16:15:00.001-05:002015-08-09T16:16:56.592-05:00Among the ShardsHow much can a heart shatter before it literally bursts? How much emotional pain can one smother under before there is literally no more air to breathe? So many hurts, from so many different directions, all focused on the bulls-eye of my mind and heart. I can't even make the words rhyme anymore because of the weight that presses down. There is no one to talk it out with anymore and all I have left is this stupid bit of space in a vast universe of a void where my words echo only to bounce back the same endless litany. Even here and now, as I try to get the words out to describe each hit, so I can somehow see it from another angle, I can't do it. I don't want to speak the truth out loud because it just makes the holes bigger and more ragged.<br />
<br />
No one can help me. There is no answer and no cure and no help. Before, before I used to believe that help would come when all seemed bleakest and all hope lost. Yeah, that foundational belief in people was ripped out after the world shattered. There is no help, no one is coming, and the truth is that no one cares unless you affect them personally. Otherwise they are too busy dealing with their own lives (and who am I to say that is not the way it should be). It just sucks for those of us here in the darkness, at the bottom of the pit, being ripped apart by demons. Some of our own making, but many handed to us by others. For those of us who truly walk alone, we have gotten really good at getting out of the pit by ourselves with only God as a hope and sometimes rescuer. But the pits just keep getting bigger and darker and God's voice so lost in the screams and cries that He can't be heard anymore. Or, maybe it is just like a wounded animal in so much pain that it snaps at the person trying to help and the pain drowns out all other sound but the endless screams burred inside. Yet, even that is quieting as weariness smothers even the endless pain into a kind of hopeless stupor. <br />
<br />
And at the end of it all, here in the darkness, I know that the truth is, even if someone came, they couldn't help. People cannot heal people. Only God can use the things that are broken beyond Earthly repair. And only when He chooses to. Without God, there is nothing but the endless dark and echoing screams of a broken and shattered soul struggling to find enough light just to survive and tiring to the point that it doesn't really care anymore. Without God life has no value, but even having God, for some the value seems so very small. The truth is that God is the only thing that matters, but I am so tired of rescuing myself only to eventually fall back into this hole. What I need is a real miricle. An act of God. I don't want to be me anymore. But, I don't know if God will answer. I don't know if He will act. I only know He is here, He gives Grace, and He made promises that I am still waiting to see. I have nothing left today. I am spent and broken and without hope in any Earthly help. And although I don't really "hope" in God doing anything different than He has always done, I still trust Him. Even with a screwed up, mixed up, broken mess of me. In the gist of the words of Job, God is all I have that I can believe in, even if He allows the worst to happen or even allows me to die, I trust Him. I have NOTHING else.<br />
<br />
(oh yeah, and on top of all that .... menopause so yeah.).Rebecca at the Wellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11445168229146092461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1637444028257925102.post-56090812377839625912015-07-08T20:38:00.002-05:002015-07-08T20:38:33.459-05:00I stinkith Just trying to work out a new thought.<br />
<br />
At church Sunday I was thinking about Lazarus and how Jesus called him back to life and out of the grave, but the mourners warned that Lazarus would stink from the stench of being dead and starting to decay. And then I thought that is what we all are. We, as the born again bride of Christ died to our selves, our human flesh, and rose again in Christ. But we "stinkith". :D We are dead in Christ. We are born again. But our human existence still lingers on us like the smell of the grave. Our Christian walk on earth is our journey from the tomb into the light of Heaven and the only things that hold us back or limit us are our memories of being lost in this world without God. We are the heirs of Heaven, but we carry the stench of our humanity as we leave the tomb and spend our lives working out how to rid ourselves of the smell.<br />
<br />
<br />Rebecca at the Wellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11445168229146092461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1637444028257925102.post-49961599182905134862015-06-10T20:24:00.001-05:002015-06-10T20:24:13.980-05:00Going Crazy.... maybe lol<b><span style="font-size: large;">So, 24 hours or so later, I am totally ok. Not happy, because let's face it, even when you can deal with the loneliness, it still isn't a happy place to be. BUT, I am better equipped to face the day. </span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-size: large;">So, pursuing through facebook I found this article and it made me laugh out loud for the humor, but it has stuck with me all day and now I just wonder.... Not that it makes a difference in what happens in the future, but just a glimpse perhaps into me and how I relate to the world around me. </span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Here is the article:</span></b><br />
<br />
http://seanchaidh101.tumblr.com/post/120772534048/onethingconstant-songbirde108<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">To sum up, it says that there is a certain way of walking by some people (in the article predominately male) that demonstrates an alpha that people in general recognize and respond to (in the article by getting out of their way). And I realized that I have never really had a problem with people not getting out of my way when I walk somewhere and it was a joke at first, but I have been thinking about that a lot. </span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-size: large;">I am an alpha female. That is not a common thing. It is more common now than in the past, but still not a common thing for a woman to be an alpha. I know I am talking in fictional book terms, but that does not make it any less true and it explains so much to me about my personality. But I digress. I am a female alpha in a world full of predominately male alphas and I wonder...is that a major reason I have never been wanted by a guy.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-size: large;">To find a man who can accept a woman who is equal but different, an alpha like himself, that he is willing to support and stand behind and at the same time still be alpha enough himself to lead over a strong willed woman lol, that is a small group of men. Then add onto that, a man who is attracted to or willing to overlook the physical appearance of a woman who is heavy/fat, then you get into almost negative numbers. </span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-size: large;">But, I understand that I still have something today that I did not have yesterday. Although my situation has not changed, today, I have hope again. Small numbers do not mean non-existent. And God can still change ANY circumstance or heart. </span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-size: large;">So, still reeling from a loneliness that never seems to end, a church that seems to want to pretend that we (older singles) don't exist or are not important to the whole of the church, a world that mocks those who do not fit a physical or world vision profile, and a lack of available God fearing Christian men willing to partner an overweight alpha female, I wait. </span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-size: large;">I also think I want to make a point of saying too, that I might have once upon a time been much more passive, but a lifetime of having to fight my way alone, with no one to help me or lean on or hold me, ever has created an alpha female. Deep inside me there is still a little girl who simply wants to be loved. And there is always the possibility that a lot of my alpha-ness would fade away in an environment of love and security. But all of this is a moot point unless God chooses to end my exile. IF that ever happens I promise I will write (I will probably dance too, but ya know :) )</span></b>Rebecca at the Wellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11445168229146092461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1637444028257925102.post-8865968839070807762015-06-09T19:20:00.002-05:002015-06-09T19:20:51.260-05:00"On a long road, miles from home,<br />
it's winding and cold and it's covered with snow.<br />
I ask you what we all want to know,<br />
Where are we going from here." - Blackmore's Night<br />
<br />
I am so deep I can't find my way out, and the really scary part is I am no longer willing to fight to. I have nothing and no hope of ever having anything. I have finely lost my hope. The one thing that truly kept me going for so many years, is gone. Not said as a dramatic cry for help or attention, I wouldn't have even wrote it if I actually thought that anyone actually read this anymore :/ . I just wanted to pretend someone somewhere, if only for a few seconds, that I mattered to someone. <br />
<br />
Oh I know I matter to God. But God is not physically here. He can't give me a physical hug or let me cry on His shoulder and I am just so very tired of crying alone. Spending weeks without physical contact with another human being. A job that continues to be more and more drowning. A family that has never understood me and finds it far to easy to go about their lives without me. A church that abandoned me in the moment of my life when it actually mattered. Friends, that moved on and left me behind (not blaming them, just dealing with the loss), and a lifetime of rejection by every eligible male I have ever known so I know that I am so damaged both physically and mentally that no one wants me. <br />
<br />
Other people have friendships that last a lifetime, but none of my "friends" find my friendship worth holding on to through the years. And when I almost died, they couldn't be bothered to even check on me.<br />
<br />
I am just in a very VERY dark and deep place right now. Maybe it will change, maybe I will someday self destruct, maybe nothing will change and instead of the misery ending with a bang it will eventually fade into nothing. I am so damaged, it would take a certified miracle from God to make my life tolerable.Rebecca at the Wellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11445168229146092461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1637444028257925102.post-27547871292244538772015-05-25T20:54:00.002-05:002015-05-25T20:54:57.509-05:00Saw a photo on Facebook today that just .... hurt. Apparently they are engaged and looking at the man in the photo I realized that he really isn't the person I used to know. He is a completely different person now than the young man he was or even more possibly, he was never the person I thought he was to begin with.<br />
<br />
But regardless of the details, it still hurts way down deep where no one can see and no one cares about because it is just me being stupid. It still hurts. So just call me stupid and move on. Trust me, that is what I am doing.Rebecca at the Wellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11445168229146092461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1637444028257925102.post-28503150773428791032015-05-22T18:55:00.000-05:002015-05-22T18:55:11.269-05:00It has been a while. Not that things haven't happened, mountains climbed, valleys fallen, but just time marching on and blogging seemed unproductive. In a way it still seems that way, but I thought I would write something so it keeps the page open anyway.<br />
<br />
So very much has changed since I last wrote. Hell was survived, not without scars and burns, but still I made it. The heart broken and eventually dispensed with. All the angst and pain and sadness and hurt .... just gone. Gone to the same place that all the joy and happiness and hope and dreams went. Now, there is only an empty dullness to life, with flickers of smiles and laughter and the occasional random tear, but overall... nothing much.<br />
<br />
I finely came to accept too that I am broken, damaged in such a way that people don't want to spend large amounts of time in my presence. Friends eventually have "other" things to do that have no room for me in their lives and men, well men run from me screaming into the darkness rather than look at me as having any worth as a mate. I am damaged. Some of it I finely see, such as the selfishness. I am very very selfish, and some of it I don't understand, but I do accept it and no longer long or hope for anything different. Does that make me better off, or just sad. Don't know, don't seem to care a whole lot, shrugs. Jesse and Scott were right apparently. I don't really know what love is or anything about it and I am not capable of loving anyone the right way. It is what it is I guess.Rebecca at the Wellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11445168229146092461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1637444028257925102.post-25566644411225270062013-12-24T18:56:00.002-06:002013-12-24T18:56:47.847-06:00Christmas EveI hate this evening. It is the second worst time of the year. Second only to my birthday. I sit an watch movies and read books only to get to the last page and find an emptiness that just echoes off the silent walls. Knowing I have no where to go. Knowing that tomorrow will just be a repeat of today, that there is no such thing as "Christmas magic". Knowing that stories don't always have a happy ending. And like my birthday, sitting in the cold dark knowing that another year of my life has passed leaving only lonely empty echoes of dreams that never came true. Having to face a future that promises nothing but more of the same and feeling a little more of the tiny piece of hope that is left, die until all that is left is a memory of a dream of being loved and wanted and of belonging.... somewhere. <br />
<br />
Words......words words words words.... blah blah blah blah ....years of words, years of emptiness, years of hope, slowly draining away until all that is left is duty and honor. Later, when this has passed there will be fun again I am sure, but for now, there is no Joy, there is no Peace, and there is no Hope. Not on this Earth anyway. I am sure there will be all that and more someday, but I can't really even imagine what love is, not when I have never even seen its shadow.<br />
<br />
I am pretty sure no one reads this, but just in case you do, no comments are needed. Somethings just ....are.<br />
ThanksRebecca at the Wellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11445168229146092461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1637444028257925102.post-77800534608206134032013-12-14T08:02:00.001-06:002013-12-24T18:59:37.718-06:00EmptySo, I have been struggling for the last couple of weeks and really badly the last couple of days. I know God loves me and will never abandon me and I am so grateful beyond words for that. He truly is my rock without which I would be nothing.<br />
<br />
But right now, I am struggling with the knowledge that I am less than. That there is something about me that sends people away or causes them to leave. No one ever stays. Eventually everyone goes away. Where are these great friendships that you hear about and see of people who remain close all their lives. I know I am not pretty, and I know I am fat and unattractive, but my heart was once so loyal and honest. I always tried to be the best friend I could conceive of, but it was never enough.<br />
<br />
I am never enough. I am not worth keeping around. And today, I am just lost in the darkness of my memories and the reality of every morning of my life, and a endless empty future I see streatching out before me.<br />
<br />
Call it a pity party. Call it being selfish. Call it depression. Call it whatever you want, words don't really matter when you stare out at the emptiness of your life with a heart that bleeds with multiple soul weary wounds.<br />
<br />
That's all.shruggs, Doesn't really matter anyway.Rebecca at the Wellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11445168229146092461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1637444028257925102.post-19397406187482738052013-12-01T19:11:00.003-06:002013-12-01T19:12:02.942-06:00Where to go from here<span style="font-size: large;"><b>So, a very dear friend of mine wrote a blog about a difficult time he has been struggling through and as I read I started looking at my own life and some recent revelations I have had.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><br />I am also going through some sort of transition. I haven't felt that well of peace in my life and where I am and where I am going for a while now. I realized that although the outer me was still seemly calm and content, the inner me was locked in a empty sort of hopelessness. Not depression by any definition I have, no huge and violent emotions tearing my heart apart, just an empty acceptance of what my life has become to the point that I no longer even try to change it. I used to be a person who shouted to the winds whatever was on my mind (good and bad) and although it never changed anything, it did at least relieve pressure in short violent bursts instead of a major meltdown with no survivors :).</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>So, now, there are no passionate rants or poems or even dreams, just an endless determination to continue to get up each day, go to work, do my best, and return to an empty home and an long line of internet, tv, and books. I know, it is like the person living inside me is not even me anymore. </b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>My house being such a disaster and my inability to get it clean stems from this I think. Because of my medical issues, cleaning house is a real pain (literally) and I just no longer have the determination to push through anymore. I have let the pain and tired win. I have always been able to push through before because ultimately I would be embarrassed and not want anyone to visit and see it. Now, I no longer believe that anyone is ever going to come over so the baseline pressure to clean is gone. There seems to be no point in anything anymore. I pour everything into my work because I love the kids and want to give each one the best chance they can have to succeed, but other than that I have fallen into a rut.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Someone once said that a rut is simply a coffin with both ends knocked out. And that is when I realized the truth. I have already accepted my coffin. I have given up on every dream I have ever had including happy ever after. Now, giving up on dreams is not always bad if you have let them become the definition of who you are, but somehow, I have given up on living too. I am not sad, I don't feel depressed, I just have no hope that my life is ever going to be anything but the unending drudgery that it has become.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Where is this going? I don't know. What am I going to do now? I don't know. It takes energy and desire to change your life and I just don't seem to have any left. I still love God, even more now than I ever have in the past. I still wake up every morning thanking Him for a beating heart and working lungs and legs that hold me up and the list goes on. But I have become accustomed to the pain that never ends and I seemed to have accepted that my life is simply on repeat until it is over. </b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Now, I know that is not what God does. Lives are lived for a purpose that is God designed. But I have come to the conclusion that my purpose may help others, but there will never be any happy ever afters for me. Shruggs, I am strangely OK with that, but in an tired and empty way. </b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Why did I write this, I have no idea, sometimes I put things on "paper" just bring them out into the light and out of the shadows of my mind. I am still sold out to God. My life belongs to Him and my days are numbered according to His plan. I see America slowly fading into darkness and so many of the church "falling away". And I am closer to God than I have ever been in my life even though I am more distant to any church family and have no close friends. But even so, I recognize that I am far from where I need to be.</b></span>Rebecca at the Wellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11445168229146092461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1637444028257925102.post-32018094469274894532013-10-27T20:00:00.000-05:002013-10-27T20:10:49.653-05:00Banners on the Battlefield<span style="font-size: small;">I went to church today and it was very interesting. First of all, I woke up twice this morning. The first time I thanked God for my heart beating and lungs breathing and was still sleepy, so I asked Him to send me a phone call or something/anything to let me know if He really wanted me to be in church today, then went back to sleep. The second time I woke up, I decided to get up and test the time - if there was time to get there I would go and if there wasn't, question solved (I was really thinking it had to be past time). But, oddly enough it was earlier than I had assumed and so I went.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">After thinking about it some during the day, I have come to the conclusion that God did not "speak" to me directly this morning because he wanted me to make the "right" choice just because I KNEW what choice I should make. No dramatic revelations of epic proportions, all but 1 or 2 of my "friends" were out sick, and the message ,oddly enough, completely opposite of of the message the Holy Spirit sent me personally. Not in a ... "THE MESSAGE IS WRONG" way but in a this is a good message, but I have a different one for you. So, here is what I heard today in church. :)</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">- We are spending too much time trying to resurrect the past. The past is GONE. God is doing a NEW work. Don't be caught looking behind you to the point that you do not see what is right in front of your face.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">(This does not mean, don't remember where you come from!!! Jesus told the disciples in the boat who woke him up terrified for their lives in the storm that they were afraid BECAUSE they did not remember the miracles they had just witnessed - so it is important to see where you have been, to remember the milestones in your life where God stepped in, but we can't spend our whole lives trying to recapture what was).</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">- We are not returning to what was. What was got us to where we are, but the world has changed and the way we move and walk in it has to also change. The church is not facing the same battle that it faced 20, 50, or even 100 years ago. This battle is the battle to end all battles. We are at the end of time and we need to keep our eyes GLUED to God, not glancing behind us to try and hold on to what happened yesterday. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">- Our focus needs to change from looking after the church to looking after the lost. Instead of thinking in terms of church growth we need to think in terms of individual lives. The end is here. The church is set. We KNOW what we are supposed to be doing and some will fall away, but we need to focus on the "harvest", on the lost around us. (Again, I don't know that any of this message was for the church so much as for me personally. God is being very clear about letting me know that it is time for me to cut away from those things in the past that are holding me back. The past is full of pain, and anger, and bitterness, as well as hope, and grace and mercy, but it is gone. It is time to let go of both the good and the bad. Time to seek only God's face and go where He leads forgetting that which is behind us because it only weighs us down.)</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">- God is preparing to send power to His churches. Not the buildings or even the gatherings, but to the people who make up His church, to His Bride, to those who are actively seeking Him not just wadding in the shallows. He is going to send power like the world has NEVER seen because this is the battle that the world has been on the road toward since the fall of Adam, and this power is for those who are SEEKING, not just those who are willing. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">- The church buildings/gatherings are going to one day face a time when they cannot exist as they are. But, the church PEOPLE, the real church must be ready to stand strong and alone as a banner on a dark and bloody battlefield to rally all those who seek hope and who are lost. That takes strong people. People capable of standing alone because they know that all of their strength is from God, not themselves.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">- Then the message gets very personal. I am not sure, but I am thinking that perhaps the whole message is a personal message to me, not to the church. I am not sure where this is going exactly, but I know it is leading somewhere for me. I need to have a church (gathering/fellowship) foundation for spiritual support, but I walk into the battle alone. I have been called out by God to do something that takes courage and the ability to stand alone with the power of the "church" to back me up. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">I have NO IDEA what that means or what I am supposed to do with this. So, I will just leave it here, and carry on and see what God has in store keeping an eye on that which might fall under this message.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">On a side note, God also showed me how I am in a small group of blessed individuals, because I don't have to "trust" that God has my heart. I KNOW that God has my heart. He holds every beat it makes. I know, because my heart does not belong to me, I had my heart stop, and God started it beating again. I don't have the theory of God holding my heart in His hands, I KNOW He does. Every heartbeat from here until I leave this Earth is sanctioned by Him. Every breath I take is guided by His will. There is a powerful peace in knowing that your live is literally on God's timeline and what comes is what He has sanctioned for my life and the end is already known so I don't have to worry about medical issues or problems because it will end when God says it will end and I don't have to know the reasons or the details, I just have to live my life everyday seeking God's face and I will be where I am supposed to be.</span><br />
<br />
<br />Rebecca at the Wellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11445168229146092461noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1637444028257925102.post-89823438124226770852013-10-22T22:24:00.001-05:002013-10-22T22:25:00.335-05:00If you love someone set them free...<span style="font-size: large;">I think I have finely figured it out. Took me long enough. If you truly love someone, really love them and they want nothing to do with you in their lives, then when they leave, you HAVE to let them go. You can't attempt to contact or call to say hi. You can't try to keep in the loop of their lives. You have to let go of them. You have to respect that they have moved on and left you behind. BECAUSE if you don't let them go then you don't really love them for who THEY are, you only love who they are to YOU. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">So you have to ask yourself, "Do I really love this person?" and if the answer is yes, then you let them fade from your life because that is what they want and you love them enough to give them what they truly want. If you can't seem to let them go, then more likely the answer is not that you love THEM, but that you love the them you have created in your own mind and heart and you love what that image does for you. And THAT, is not real love at all.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt either way, but it is easier to do the right thing when you have the truth to back you up. (Also makes you feel more noble lol).</span>Rebecca at the Wellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11445168229146092461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1637444028257925102.post-86950030891945288242013-10-20T20:15:00.000-05:002013-10-20T20:15:45.980-05:00So upset right now. Nobody told me. No one thought it important or even relevant to let me know that he was sick and in surgery. The people I would DIE for don't even think enough of me to care that this would be important for me to know. It just shatters my heart all over again.<br />
<br />
Oh, I will get over it I am sure, but for right now, I just want to cry for myself and for the friendships I have lost that were apparently only in my mind anyway. <br />
<br />
Even so, I ask God to bless him with quick healing because as much as it hurts knowing that I am less than a speck of dirt to him and his friends and family, the world is a better place with him in it than without him.Rebecca at the Wellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11445168229146092461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1637444028257925102.post-7001009364650504882013-10-06T01:00:00.001-05:002013-10-06T01:00:39.661-05:00The doldrumsSo, it's been a while and although things are moving along without major bumps at the moment, I seem to be in a bit of a funk. (I am fairly sure i am in Peri-menopause which I can say, without reservation, SUCKSSS!!)<br />
<br />
Anyway, I am going to pretend that this blog is my friends and that you care.(snort) lol (BG excluded cause well I know you care some but life kinda has you upside down too at the moment)<br />
<br />
So, anyway I have 2 things to talk about and see if I can figure some stuff out because I find answers often by bouncing ideas and thoughts and feelings off of others and since I no longer have any "others' to bounce things off of, I thought I would just try to write them out here.<br />
<br />
First, I was seriously thinking of going to church tomorrow when it hit me why I was so reluctant to go. It is partially because I have been away so long that it is easier now to stay home than to go. I have gotten out of the habit of getting up and going to church. Usually I also have a LOT of work to do at school, but somehow this week I got ahead of the curve so I could go if I wanted. The problem is ... I don't want to go. It isn't because I am angry at anyone or have any "issues" with God (we be mates :)) I just don't want to go. There is nothing that will happen there tomorrow that will not happen at my house. And before you say we are supposed to gather together I thought of that and honestly, I am tired of going alone, sitting alone, and leaving alone. There is no togetherness, just a lot of co-worshiping (as in everyone worshiping in the same place but not with same mind) and everyone leaves to go their own separate ways. I do love to hear the pastor because he almost always has something really good to say that I get revelations or inspiration from, but it all just seems like too much effort to have to get up and go all the way over there when I can just stay home and here the preaching if I want to look online, and stay in my self induced cave.<br />
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I don't even feel God pushing me to go. I feel nothing. No desire to be there (they certainly do not indicate a desire to have me) and I feel no desire to be anywhere there are people for that matter. It is like the heart attack, surgery and subsequent year of hell removed any burning desire I had to be around people and to be a part of anything other than God. I have grown so very close to God over the past few years, (leaps and bounds of spiritual maturity have happened) but by the same distance I have grown apart from the people I once loved as much as my own family.<br />
<br />
So there it is. Not sure what to do if anything. So far I have been coasting on this sea of disassociation from other people, but I just don't know. I don't feel .... anything really. Just drifting with the tides, trusting God to take care of me and be with me, but actually withdrawing from others because of the emotional cost down the road. Wow, I am so not the same person I was only a few years ago. Anyway, don't know what to do with all that, just needed to get it out of my head.<br />
<br />
The second thing I need to acknowledge is the truth that no one really wants to be around me. Even now, when I am funny and mostly cracking jokes that have people laughing, they still don't want to spend time with me. No one seeks me out. No one visits me. No one puts forth any effort at all to touch my life. No complaining really, just don't understand.<br />
<br />
I was on okcupid for a little while and I realized that I could never get involved with someone I didn't know very well in fact the only man I would trust really would be one who was already established as a friend. I don't trust any of the men who send emails (for good reason lol) but I just don't want to worry with it all either. I have this feeling that the last time I gave my heart I never got it back. Oh, not that I am not over that whole thing, but somehow in the process that last time, my heart got shattered and now it is broken and doesn't work right. Hahahahaha maybe in the heart surgery they switched the wiring lol.<br />
<br />
All I know is that even the guys who were my friends didn't want anything to do with me. That there is something so intrinsically "wrong" with me that not even those who considered themselves my friends wanted to deal with it. Fair enough. I just wish I knew what it was.<br />
<br />
Something else I have just figured out after watching the inner workings of the FB DragonCon singles group is that I don't want to have to encourage a guy to like me or ask me out etc... I want to be pursued. I want to be chased and fought for. Not fought for physically, but fought for as in he would want to know the things I like and try to win my heart by getting to know me. I want a man who will provide me a shoulder to lean on and expect me to provide one for him when needed. I just want to be the most important thing, after God, to someone. Oddly enough, now tempering that is this emotional sargasso sea that I seem to find myself drifting in nowdays. No real expectation of rescue, no real hope even that anything will ever be different and only an expectation of this endless drifting until the day my heart stops beating and I take my last earthly breath.<br />
<br />
Sounds over dramatic doesn't it lol. I really don't mean to be. I just am, here. It feels like I am going nowhere and have nothing to show for all the wheres I have been till now. An empty shell. floating in the doldrums, without wind or sails, just drifting through life with very few expectations left and even less hope. Not sad, not angry, not depressed even, just empty, determined to trust God regardless, but with no hope of expectation of anything ever changing, and my only thoughts, "what now?"Rebecca at the Wellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11445168229146092461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1637444028257925102.post-87434966664227945042013-07-23T14:30:00.003-05:002013-07-23T14:30:56.411-05:00<h5 class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent"> <span style="font-size: large;">A
couple days ago in a discussion on a Christian Facebook group someone said something about the Old
Testament vs the New Testament in such a way as to imply that the Law of
the Old Testament was no longer valid and although I agreed with that,
it also bothered me because it did not seem completely accurate. Christ
himself said he did not come to change the law, but to fulfill the law.<br /> <br />
So, this little inconsistency has been simmering in the back of my head
until this morning when everything came to a boil and I suddenly KNEW
what I had only knew before (if that makes sense lol) with the prompting
of my Girlfriends in God devotional.<br /> <br /> So,
here it is - We know that God is the same yesterday, today, and
tomorrow. The Heart of the Law of the Old Testament is also still with
us, it is only the Letter (how it is applied) that has been removed from
the equation. The Heart of the Law is what changes us inside when we
accept Christ. The punishment for breaking that Law (Sin, which is at
it's basic meaning "turning our backs on God and His will") has been
paid. Christ took the entire punishment for our breaking the Law past,
present, and future and we are no longer under condemnation for it as
long as we accept his gift. We still break the heart of the law, even
when we may not mean too, (the letter of the law WAS changed by the
sacrifice of Christ) but we can always come to God without the "rules"
of the law because of Christ. <br /> <br /> Basically, the law was put in
place to give people a WAY to come before a Holy God. Christ fulfilled
that by becoming the way for people to come before a Holy God. The Law
itself did not change in that it's purpose is to make people see that
they have sinned. If it weren't for the Law now written in our hearts,
we would not understand why we need a Holy and Just God because we would
not understand that we have turned our backs on God (sinned).<br /> <br />
The Law of the Old Testament is still valid in it's intent (to bring
God's people closer to Him) and human beings stray, even the good ones.
God cannot abide where Sin resides, that hasn't changed, and in the OT
God had to get the people "cleansed" in ways that He could be near them.
Now, Christ is the permanent blanket of blood that we (Christians)
wear that allows God to be near us always. The Law isn't required in
the Letter (the RULES) because Christ has covered that for us by
providing a permanent holy offering to present us as clean before God.
The kicker of course is that we have to accept the covering and thus the
whole reason for being saved.<br /> <br /> The Law is still there, and we
still break it, but Christ is our redeemer and exchanged his very
existence for our ability to come before a Holy God and find redemption.<br /> <br />
This, of course is a whole rabbit hole and has many tunnels that lead
off of it, but I hope that came out like I wanted it too.<br /> <br /> Blessings to everyone for a wonderful, curse free, life!!!<br /> Becki</span></span></span></span></h5>
Rebecca at the Wellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11445168229146092461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1637444028257925102.post-37130205682668810052013-06-21T21:09:00.000-05:002013-06-21T21:11:31.521-05:00So, I was in church last Sunday, unexpectedly I might add, and getting better aquainted with a truth that hits us all a little hard until we can find our peace with it and the preacher was talking about how Moses kept questioning God when God called him out to go and lead the children of Isrial out of several generations of servantute and bondage. Several times God told him go, and Moses replied, 'who am I.' Like all of us, it sounds like Moses wanted God to say something to the effect of... "You are special, called, ordained, blessed, gifted, empowered, etc... by the mighty Most High God. All power will be in your hands and you will decend like a lighting bolt and deliever My People out of slaverly," and so forth. But all God says each time is, "Tell them, I AM sent you." That's it, Tell them that the God of all things said do it. So Moses, being faced with a terrifying task and no promise of a specific power surge other than God was with him, did what anyone else would do and kept making excuses hoping that God would eventually give him some good ole Godly Power to go with that accompaniment. Moses kept whinning to God about how incappable he was to perform this task until findly God tells him to take Aaron (his brother) with him and that Aaron would be the mouthpiece of the message and Moses would be as God to Aaron (meaning that Aaron would do the speaking but the message would come from God to Moses and Moses would tell Aaron what to say so they were God's words but they would flow through God's messinger Moses down to Aaron to speak aloud.)<br />
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Now this is where I got a bit of revelation. Moses pushed and pushed at God, trying to get God to give in and give him the power he felt he needed to accomplish the task God set before him until God moved out of His perfect Will into His Permissive Will. Meaning, sometimes we keep going back to God asking for Him to change the situation, perhaps to make it easier becuase we think it is too hard; perhaps to make us feel important and let us strut in the "borrowed" power like it actually comes from us or something. Whatever the reason, God sometimes allows us to stray from His perfect path into His permissive path, meaning we will not go forward without what WE think or feel we require from God and God, being God, allows us to deviate into a path that will still ultimatly take us where God wants us to go, but it will be a much more difficult "ride" than the one God originally planed for us.<br />
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So, here we are, and Moses keeps telling God that he can't do it (just like we tell God we don't know what to say or do or some excuse to keep us from being responsible for the actions we know God wants us to take). And God findly says, fine here is a little something to get you going... and that also has consequences.<br />
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Aaron became the mouthpiece of Moses who became the Godword to Aaron and through him to the Isralites. So, originally, God had intended to give the message straight to Moses who would be HIS mouthpiece to both Pharoah and the Isrelites, but instead when Moses hears Gods messages, he gives the message to Aaron who is the mouthpiece to the Isrelites. Then I flash forward to the 40 year deseart walk.<br />
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Each time the people lost physical sight/connection to Moses, it was as if they lost their connection to God. Although Moses was God's messinger, when he went up on the mountain to get the Laws the people no longer "saw" God and began to panic and desperatly seek something to fill that place of fear, and in this case created a golden calf to worship. Even Aaron, who had been privelidged to receive the words to speak God's plan, could not find his way without sight of his "godword" ... Moses.<br />
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So, my revelation (yeah I told you all that to tell you this hahahaha) is that perhaps the Isralites might not have fallen so far had they had Moses himself as the mouthpiece of God, being the direct link and their "directions and orders" so to speek would be coming straight from the horses mouth. But, because they heard and saw Aaron as the mouthpiece of God and the words coming from Moses (a middle man so to speak) Moses, became their "god".<br />
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Because Moses would not act without God "changing" the perfect plan to a plan that worked he literally became the stumbling block for the people he was trying to save. He placed himself between God and the mouthpiece instead of being the mouthpiece as God originally demanded of him and caused the Isralites to not see the "chain of command" clearly. Moses' continued refusal to act without a visable support system interjected a hiccup in the plan. The plan eventually did succeed and the Isralites eventually "got" their homeland, but the path they walked to get there was much longer than it would have taken (about 40 years longer lol) had Moses just accepted God directive and trusted in the I AM.<br />
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Interestingly enough that also explained to me something that I was never clear on which was why Moses did not get to go into the Promised Land. I mean I know it was for hitting the rock to make the water come out after God told him to speak to it instead (obviously disobediance), but still I thought a kinda harsh punishment for someone who went through so much. And then this revelation happened and I realized something else. God wasn't just punishing Moses for dissobidance, He was punishing Moses for choosing to step into the shoes the Isralites had put on his feet. When Moses chose to hit the rock instead of doing what God told him to do, he literally chose to step into the "shoes" of God. He bought the hype! He thought in that moment, that he, Moses was the power of God, that the rock would do what he demanded it do, by his decision, instead of presenting to the Isralites the God that sent power through him. He took their complaints personally as if it were himself they were daring to complain aganist instead of being simply the messinger.<br />
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So, God forbid Moses to go into the Promised Land, not because he made a mistake or even for loosing his temper, but for presuming the actually believe in that moment that he, Moses, controled the holy Power of the most High God.<br />
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Now, this made sense in my head, but I may have to come back and read it and possibly edit or rewite it again to clearify if it did not lay out like I wanted to express. :) Or, maybe God will just make it clear despite my wording :D<br />
(and mispelling) lolRebecca at the Wellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11445168229146092461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1637444028257925102.post-36277804486457853162013-05-27T01:31:00.001-05:002013-05-27T01:31:53.918-05:00The End in sightDriving home from church today in a conversation with the Holy Spirit I began to see a picture. In the past, since the death of Christ, the Holy Spirit has laid across the world like a river on a flood plain. Seeping in everywhere there was a crack or opening and soaking into the world. But the river is changing. The River of the Spirit has begun cutting into the world, gathering together, focusing and gaining depth, speed and showing the power of living water as it begans to dig deep into the world with a narrow and intense focus. <br />
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The Holy Spirit is getting deeper and faster and begining to show his true power as it cuts deeper and deeper into the world, but by extension the surface of the world is getting further and further away as the river narrows and focuses. So many people in the church, have stepped out of the water to deal with life issues and are being left behind becuase they are becoming embedded in life issues and have taken their eyes off of God. The hearts of many are growing cold, not from deliberate dissobediance, but from simple innatention and allowing life on earth to intice them with it's "steadyness" as opposed to the power of the Spirit which demands surrender and trust as those who have choosen to ride the river become more and more at the mercy of a great and powerful river.<br />
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The choice to step into the river of the Holy Spirit is becomming more and more of a deliberate jump. There will be no more standing in the shallows so that you are in the flow but close enough to the world that you can control the situation. The shallows are dissappearing as the river begans to show it's power and focus. Those who could not release control of their lives will choose to step out of the water to keep their balance but in doing so are loosing sight of God. <br />
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The river is deepening and becoming fast with power and focus. God's people will no longer have the option of standing only knee deep so to keep control. They will have to trust the spirit as they allow the river to take them where it will and the only way that will happen is if we keep our eyes on God. The times are here. Taking our eyes off of God is no longer simply a mistake that can be corrected easily, but a mistake that seeks to trap us out of the will of God completely. <br />
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Beware church. The times are growing close and your decisions and choices now are critical in preparing for the days to come. Keep your eyes on God, not on the world. Everything here is passing away; our jobs, our possessions, even our families. The Bible warns us not to let anything or ANYONE, keep us from follwoing Him and where He is going is going to requrire our sacrifice of our illusion of control and our trust in ways that we have NEVER been asked to trust before.<br />
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Personally, I have never understood people who wanted to bring children into this world. It has always been flawed and broken, but now, with the sight of the end on the horizon, I feel sorry for those with young children becuase of what they are going to face in the days to come. God have Mercy on us all.Rebecca at the Wellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11445168229146092461noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1637444028257925102.post-8448633996638833232013-03-13T23:00:00.002-05:002013-03-13T23:00:44.698-05:00Thanks to God, I am free at lastAs I was talking to a friend I realized some rather astonishing things. I am free. For the first time in at least 41 years I am free. I remember my first major depression. I was 5 years old and in kindergarten. From that time on, I have spent 41 years in a never ending battle with depression. Sometimes, I lost and sometimes it was a draw. Never was it a win. But, I survived and mostly with my sanity intact lol. But as I talked I realized that I have not suffered a MAJOR depression for the last year. I have dealt with minor stuff, like I assume everyone deals with at some point, but NOTHING like the darkness I have struggled with since that early age of 5. <br />
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Part of this freedom, comes from finely being comfortable in my own skin. I am no longer struggling to be a person that everyone will like, no longer walking on egg shells trying not to disappoint the people in my life. I am an odd duck, and I am completely comfortable with that and no longer even pretend to hide that I walk to the beat of a different drum. <br />
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This came about through a combination of things, but oddly enough through the process of God taking something that was meant for my harm and using it for my good. I still don't like it when people don't like me :) but I am no longer a people pleaser. I have never been afraid to stand on my own and alone (which is a very good thing lol) but now, I also find that I don't have to “defend” myself. I don't get angry like I used to. I just don't HAVE to defend what I believe or think, I just know what I know and other's can't shake that and I don't feel the need to justify it by beating others over the head with it. I am no longer afraid to express my beliefs, but I don't feel the need to use those beliefs to judge others. I am not their judge or jury and very glad that is true :). Other Christians have to answer to God for their choices, so unless they ask me or I have that type of relation with them, it is not my place to “correct” them. As for the world, I am not afraid to say I once was lost but now I am found, and not because of ANY organized religion, but because of a personal relationship with a living God and His Son and Spirit. <br />
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I also realized that I am ok with spending my life alone. It is not the life I would have chosen for myself for sure, but it is the life I have and I am content with it. I am ok, coming home to an empty house. I am really ok with the belief that I will never get married, and if you knew me, you would know that HAD to be God, because of all the grief and angst that desire for a husband has caused me.<br />
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I am ok with my health. It is not super, but it is ok. I have lungs that work and a heart that beats with a normal rhythm. I have lost much of the upper body strength I used to have and my eyesight is defiantly fading, but I am content (although I really don't want to loose my good eyesight), BUT whatever happens I will praise God. <br />
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He hasn't saved me from the storms of life, nor has he promised that those storms are over, (in fact I feel like there is a storm coming that will attack all Christians and SOON), but He did promise to take that which the devil meant for my ill and use it to work for my good. He did not promise to rescue me from the storm, but he did promise to provide all the strength I would need to face them and whatever they bring as long as I keep my eyes on Him.<br />
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I am a peace. I am in a calm place where I am not swinging from extreme to extreme and for the first time in my life, I feel like I really do have things of worth to share with others. Insights, revelations, and words. Things that God will speak through me when and where He deems and to whom He deems, and I am perfectly ok with that. :)<br />
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This means nothing to most people that would ever see this, but to those who have known me from age 5 to 46 this is a me you have never seen before. A me that is resting in God and no longer at the mercy of the wind and the waves! I am not even sure when this happened, just at some point in the last year and I realized that my soul has both sobbed tears of relief and gratefulness and sings quietly under my breath of peace and acceptance. <br />
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If you don't know me, prepare to meet a very weird but fun Christian and if you have known me in the past, prepare to meet someone you never dreamed existed, I mean really, I didn't :D.Rebecca at the Wellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11445168229146092461noreply@blogger.com2