Called to stand

I was just sitting here on my couch, alone, as usual, in the quiet, drinking my coffee and day dreaming/thinking when I started writing a speech in my head. I was thinking of posting it on FB but I realized that it was a little too personal for that so I figured I would post it here where no one comes anymore and if they did they either don't know me or are an old friend and either way it won't matter.

I grew up wanting to belong to someone. The whole white picket fence and little house and cosy relationship. God handed me a sword.  I dreamed to the point of desperation of being rescued and protected by a knight I could call my own.  God gave me a shield. I never wanted to be in the battle at all, but God placed me on the front lines, bloodied, alone, and scared.

I never wanted to be single, desperately craved being accepted by at least just one person for who I was. Oh I realize that my being in a relationship would be a pitched battle itself as I am very independent and have spent a lifetime going my own way because there was no one else to appeal to.  If things had to get done, I had to do them. If I wanted something I had to figure out how to get it and backing down those years of existence would be a difficult thing. But one I would have thrown myself into with all my heart if I had ever had the chance.

But God never answered my prayers. He never said no, but He also never said Yes.  He just left me in a dark limbo for almost 40 years with no answers and no hope to hold on to other than He hadn't said no.  That is not much when you are getting old and your arms are tired of holding on and the darkness promises oblivion.

Here it is 2020, lol almost 24 years past when I was sure I would die as a kid. And another 10 years past what I thought was the end as an adult. Still here. Still don't know why. Still standing on the front lines, battered, covered in blood (most of it mine) and filth as I stagger up to face the enemy's charge once again.  My hope for the dream is almost completely gone, the reality of the life I live crowding out every spare moment. So I sit here. Waiting for nothing... just waiting for an end that I cannot begin to guess, but I know is getting closer. 

So, I will rise to my knees and then to my feet. Set my feet and legs so that they will not be moved and face the charge of the enemy who roams like a lion to devour any he can find to attack.  I never wanted to be a warrior, but God called me to the front lines and equipped me to stand, even alone, to face the one who would destroy as many as he could. So, I will stand, I will set my face and I will hold the line until the battle is over and we have won, or until God calls me in.  Don't mistake the tears running down my face as weakness. No, I never wanted to be here and this job was never really intended for one such as I, but I am my father's servant and obedient daughter and I will not fall as long as He stands with me. I will stand resolute, even though my heart is long broken, and my dreams are gone, I will stand.