Echoes

 

The problem is not that I hate my life.

My life on Earth is not so bad.

I have a home and a reliable car.

I have food to eat and never go hungry.

I have a dependable job that is better than many.

I make enough money to pay all of my bills.

I am saved by Grace and Mercy of the living God and

          He claims me as His own.

I am the bride of Christ who loved me so much he

          took my death to save me.

I can see and hear; I can feel and touch; I can taste

          and smell the world around me.

I am able to move and walk and climb without assistance.

I can read and write and do math and science.

I can hug and be hugged and I can speak and sing.

I can be serious and I can be silly.

I can be passionate or turn cold.

I can ride a horse or a motorcycle, even if not as well

          as in my dreams.

I can think and hope.

I can rhyme as the mood strikes.

I can feel all the ups and downs of the roller-coaster world we live in.

But;

 

There is something inside me that rages and sobs for the things

          I don’t have.

Something much deeper than conscious thought, beyond the

          open places in my mind.

Something that does not want to wake in the morning.

It knows what I have, but despairs for what I have not.

Something that lives in the deepest place in my soul and it’s

          whimpers heard loudest in the night when the world is still,

          but not confined only to the darkest hours.

Something that feels broken and worthless;

Cast away rubbish that no one wants.

It cries out in the darkness with tears and pleading; sometimes

          just begging, but always a prayer.

Still trudging forward, it’s lost echoes unanswered, the last

          hope now faded through the long empty night.

 

12/07/23

RaF

 Crush Depth

The crushing weight of grief and hurt

almost steal my breath

with it's biting pain of rejection and loss.

A one-two punch that leaves my heart bleeding

with hopelessness a choking darkness

that smothers even as it rends.

I have been here before.

But, God says I must keep going,

even as I choke on the blood

that pores from my savaged wounded heart.

What worth can I possibly have

to the God of Heaven I cannot guess

if I have no worth at all to anyone here?

And worst of all I did it to myself;

In my hope I flew too near the Sun.

I apologize for my dark mood,

and I am sorry for adding a dark tint

to what was supposed to be only fun.

But the tears are literally tearing themselves

out of my eyes aganist my will,

as total darkness falls around me

and the inner screams began.

Franklin

02-27-24

Called to stand

I was just sitting here on my couch, alone, as usual, in the quiet, drinking my coffee and day dreaming/thinking when I started writing a speech in my head. I was thinking of posting it on FB but I realized that it was a little too personal for that so I figured I would post it here where no one comes anymore and if they did they either don't know me or are an old friend and either way it won't matter.

I grew up wanting to belong to someone. The whole white picket fence and little house and cosy relationship. God handed me a sword.  I dreamed to the point of desperation of being rescued and protected by a knight I could call my own.  God gave me a shield. I never wanted to be in the battle at all, but God placed me on the front lines, bloodied, alone, and scared.

I never wanted to be single, desperately craved being accepted by at least just one person for who I was. Oh I realize that my being in a relationship would be a pitched battle itself as I am very independent and have spent a lifetime going my own way because there was no one else to appeal to.  If things had to get done, I had to do them. If I wanted something I had to figure out how to get it and backing down those years of existence would be a difficult thing. But one I would have thrown myself into with all my heart if I had ever had the chance.

But God never answered my prayers. He never said no, but He also never said Yes.  He just left me in a dark limbo for almost 40 years with no answers and no hope to hold on to other than He hadn't said no.  That is not much when you are getting old and your arms are tired of holding on and the darkness promises oblivion.

Here it is 2020, lol almost 24 years past when I was sure I would die as a kid. And another 10 years past what I thought was the end as an adult. Still here. Still don't know why. Still standing on the front lines, battered, covered in blood (most of it mine) and filth as I stagger up to face the enemy's charge once again.  My hope for the dream is almost completely gone, the reality of the life I live crowding out every spare moment. So I sit here. Waiting for nothing... just waiting for an end that I cannot begin to guess, but I know is getting closer. 

So, I will rise to my knees and then to my feet. Set my feet and legs so that they will not be moved and face the charge of the enemy who roams like a lion to devour any he can find to attack.  I never wanted to be a warrior, but God called me to the front lines and equipped me to stand, even alone, to face the one who would destroy as many as he could. So, I will stand, I will set my face and I will hold the line until the battle is over and we have won, or until God calls me in.  Don't mistake the tears running down my face as weakness. No, I never wanted to be here and this job was never really intended for one such as I, but I am my father's servant and obedient daughter and I will not fall as long as He stands with me. I will stand resolute, even though my heart is long broken, and my dreams are gone, I will stand.