It has been a while.  Not that things haven't happened, mountains climbed, valleys fallen, but just time marching on and blogging seemed unproductive.  In a way it still seems that way, but I thought I would write something so it keeps the page open anyway.

So very much has changed since I last wrote. Hell was survived, not without scars and burns, but still I made it.  The heart broken and eventually dispensed with.  All the angst and pain and sadness and hurt .... just gone.  Gone to the same place that all the joy and happiness and hope and dreams went.  Now, there is only an empty dullness to life, with flickers of smiles and laughter and the occasional random tear, but overall... nothing much.

I finely came to accept too that I am broken, damaged in such a way that people don't want to spend large amounts of time in my presence. Friends eventually have "other" things to do that have no room for me in their lives and men, well men run from me screaming into the darkness rather than look at me as having any worth as a mate.  I am damaged.  Some of it I finely see, such as the selfishness.  I am very very selfish, and some of it I don't understand, but I do accept it and no longer long or hope for anything different.  Does that make me better off, or just sad.  Don't know, don't seem to care a whole lot, shrugs. Jesse and Scott were right  apparently. I don't really know what love is or anything about it and I am not capable of loving anyone the right way.  It is what it is I guess.