So, a very dear friend of mine wrote a blog about a difficult time he has been struggling through and as I read I started looking at my own life and some recent revelations I have had.
I am also going through some sort of transition. I haven't felt that well of peace in my life and where I am and where I am going for a while now. I realized that although the outer me was still seemly calm and content, the inner me was locked in a empty sort of hopelessness. Not depression by any definition I have, no huge and violent emotions tearing my heart apart, just an empty acceptance of what my life has become to the point that I no longer even try to change it. I used to be a person who shouted to the winds whatever was on my mind (good and bad) and although it never changed anything, it did at least relieve pressure in short violent bursts instead of a major meltdown with no survivors :).
So, now, there are no passionate rants or poems or even dreams, just an endless determination to continue to get up each day, go to work, do my best, and return to an empty home and an long line of internet, tv, and books. I know, it is like the person living inside me is not even me anymore.
My house being such a disaster and my inability to get it clean stems from this I think. Because of my medical issues, cleaning house is a real pain (literally) and I just no longer have the determination to push through anymore. I have let the pain and tired win. I have always been able to push through before because ultimately I would be embarrassed and not want anyone to visit and see it. Now, I no longer believe that anyone is ever going to come over so the baseline pressure to clean is gone. There seems to be no point in anything anymore. I pour everything into my work because I love the kids and want to give each one the best chance they can have to succeed, but other than that I have fallen into a rut.
Someone once said that a rut is simply a coffin with both ends knocked out. And that is when I realized the truth. I have already accepted my coffin. I have given up on every dream I have ever had including happy ever after. Now, giving up on dreams is not always bad if you have let them become the definition of who you are, but somehow, I have given up on living too. I am not sad, I don't feel depressed, I just have no hope that my life is ever going to be anything but the unending drudgery that it has become.
Where is this going? I don't know. What am I going to do now? I don't know. It takes energy and desire to change your life and I just don't seem to have any left. I still love God, even more now than I ever have in the past. I still wake up every morning thanking Him for a beating heart and working lungs and legs that hold me up and the list goes on. But I have become accustomed to the pain that never ends and I seemed to have accepted that my life is simply on repeat until it is over.
Now, I know that is not what God does. Lives are lived for a purpose that is God designed. But I have come to the conclusion that my purpose may help others, but there will never be any happy ever afters for me. Shruggs, I am strangely OK with that, but in an tired and empty way.
Why did I write this, I have no idea, sometimes I put things on "paper" just bring them out into the light and out of the shadows of my mind. I am still sold out to God. My life belongs to Him and my days are numbered according to His plan. I see America slowly fading into darkness and so many of the church "falling away". And I am closer to God than I have ever been in my life even though I am more distant to any church family and have no close friends. But even so, I recognize that I am far from where I need to be.
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