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Weird thought struck me today kinda out of the blue and I fell like it is an iceberg. The surface is pretty impressive, but it is NOTHING to what lies beneath.

I got home late from work (as usual this year) and caught the tail end of Ellen as I settled into eating supper and she was doing typical TV talk show Christmas stuff, giving away money and gifts and providing special things for people who needed a little help, etc... And I watched and with an off thought just wished for a second that someone, somewhere, would help me. That life would offer more, something, anything to make it better. And my next thought is the one I decided to write this entry about. Why do I need Ellen, or Opera, or ANYONE to provide the things I dream of, I have a Creator who can provide far more than anyone in Hollywood or the richest person alive.

God is richer that any person on this earth, is more generous and loving than any person, and is the only truly GOOD thing in existence. The life I am living is so very stressful now. I work hard, spend hours and hours of unpaid work putting things together to make the most of the time I have to make the biggest impact on my students and most of it is completely unappreciated. The bankruptcy has my finances stripped to the point that I have gone 2 months without buying groceries and just put the last 2 dollars I own in my car for gas, leaving me without enough gas to even drive to my mom's for family Christmas tomorrow. It seems so overwhelmingly hopeless and today I ate 2 pieces of bread, a boiled egg, and a 1/3rd of a piece of pumpkin pie left over from Thanksgiving. I have not been to church in over 6 months and am completely forgotten by those I once considered my “family”. I mean living through the aftermath of the heart attack taught me that the life I thought I was living was a lie anyway. When my life crashed and I findly hit bottom, I looked around and there was no one there, but me, and God. The people I had always ALWAYS believed would REALLY be there for me should the worse happen and when the worst happened I woke up alone. No one to help me when I couldn't move, no one to bring me anything to eat when I had no way to get out and shop or cook, no one to even visit and help relieve the terrifying fear of what was happening to me. I did it all alone, and the “people” of God were less than a waste because I expected better of them.

But, even though I am still working through all of that anger and hurt that is not really the reason I am writing today. I am writing today because I understand the reality that “rescues” are for other people and no one here on earth is ever going to “rescue” me. The only “person” who can rescue me is God. He has more resources than Ellen, more compassion than Opera, and the unlimited ability to perform ANY action He wills.

So, why am I still trapped in my prison of loneliness? No only am I still trapped, my life has deteriorated to the point where I literally cannot go anywhere due to lack of funds for gas or in the last couple of weeks even food. It sometimes overwhelms me with just the fear of trying to figure out what I can take to work to eat for lunch and I can't just skip meals with the medications I am on. My sugar would literally bottom out and keep dropping into dangerous levels with my medications if I didn't eat and I would not have anything to eat if my mom hadn't dropped off 6 slices of bread today. Nothing to put in them or on them, but I am still grateful just to have something to eat. And I am writing this because I honestly feel like I am drowning and there is no one to see it or care. (Yep, little pity party there :/ ) Ok, enough with the self pity.

So, even in the midst of this time in my life God has graced me with little gifts. The girls at the Jr store gave me a sandwich that had “timed” out and they could no longer sell. God has blessed me with enough gas to get me to work for the rest of the week. But He has not blessed me with enough money for gas to get to church. Does that mean He does not want me to go? I am not really sure what is going on there, but I am listening to hear anything He has to say about it.

I have learned to thank God every morning, the very first thing I do when I open my eyes, for waking up. That seems such a simple thing, but when you go to bed at night with aches and pains you can't explain and no one to call and ask, knowing that sometimes people do not wake up when they go to sleep from personal experience, then you become aware that every day is truly a gift out of your hands. Every beat of my damaged heart, every breath moving through my lungs, is a gift. A gift that I have not earned or even really understand, but still know is a gift. And truth? I am glad to know the truth about the people I would have done anything for before. Truth, even bitter and painful truth, is always better than living a lie, even a lie you don't know about. Annnnnd here I am harping again about this, snort, yeah that is definitely a work in progress :).

Ok, back to the thought process. So, God can “rescue” me from this lonely abyss I spend my life in. God could provide all the monetary blessings I could dream of and things I am not even able to dream of. God could fill my life with purpose and a path of difference. So, why don't I believe that He will. Why have I given up? There is a good place inside this that is at least no longer spending all my days dreaming and wishing and waiting for my knight in shinning armor to finely show up. I have accepted that there will never be a partner for me and although that brings it's own sort of sadness, there is also an odd sort of peace in it too of no longer dealing with the endless sadness that came from a lifetime of disappointments and men that always chose to love anything but me. At least now, I don't have to face the utter rejection over and over anymore. I know now that they would rather look anywhere but at me so I have no preconceived expectations and no dreams that can crash anymore.

God has gifted me with a job that reminded me of why I got into education and reminds me that learning is supposed to be fun!! A job that I occasionally do less than perfectly, but never gets so overwhelming that I forget my motto this year of HAVE FUN!! Whenever it starts getting stressful (coincidently enough usually when I start taking myself too seriously) I only have to remind myself that my job is to teach something by making it FUN!! I am learning to relax and let go a little. To just roll with it and make the most of what I have to work with and not to worry about the things I don't have. I don't always succeed, but God has been so very faithful and He never lets me fall without being with me the whole way, even though I don't see or hear Him.

So, the thought today was that I was foolish to wish that someone like Ellen or Opera or any earthbound mortal could ever give me the money or material things I want. Followed by the thought that my Guide and Father, my Creator and Provider, the very definition of love Himself can give me everything I ever dreamed of and far far more than that. Do I deserve it? No. Will He anyway? I don't know, but I know that I have nothing else to do except live the life in front of me as honestly and truthfully as I can until it is over. Am I too old for anyone to ever love me? Am I too broken in body to ever be able to travel and see more of the world? Am I too spiritually screwed up to ever be a mover and shaker in the Kingdom? Am I one of the unnamed masses who were dies in worldly oblivion leaving behind no memory or shadow of having ever lived on the earth? And ultimaly, does any of that even matter? I don't know. I don't know the answers to the questions nor can I even make a guess. All I can do is walk each day that God blesses me with a beating heart and try not to get too full of myself or allow myself to get lost in the useless emotion of hope of anything better. Accept that people will ALWAYS fail me and God will NEVER fail me and be at peace that God is always here with me, even in the deepest darkest places and therefore they will NEVER be totally without light :) .