What is WRONG with me??? I HATE living! Life is intolerable and it has been since I was 13 years old. I can’t stop crying and I am crying so hard I have given myself a headache. I don’t even want to know WHY anymore, I just want it to end. I could have died TWICE and I was made to keep living this horrid hateful pain filled existence.
I am tired of pretending I am quirky and happy all the time just to shut up the people who can’t deal with anyone who isn’t perky and happy happy happy. They make me sick. There is so much anger and hurt and bitterness all boiling inside me. And it is all being stirred with a huge stick of loss.
I have lost too much, when I didn’t have enough to start with. I just want to scream and scream and scream until my physical heart is overtaxed and QUITS for good! Why not, my emotional and spiritual heart is shattered beyond repair and I am totally at a loss as to why the physical one keeps beating when there is nothing inside to fuel it.
I can’t even escape into dreams anymore. Sleep will not come and dreams elude me. And up in His Holy Untouchable House, God sits silently and allows it all. I am so damaged I am useless to Him and His Kingdom, but He doesn’t seem to care other than to force me to live. I want to believe that He truly loves me as an individual, but the truth seems more to be that some of us were born to be cannon fodder. Extra baggage to be thrown beneath the tanks in the battle. Course, I don’t even get to be cannon fodder, I HAVE to keep breathing and my heart keeps to keep beating when I just wish it would stop.
Life is dark and hopeless and there is no light in the distance. There is no light anywhere. The lights provided by beloved friends was will-o-wisps that led me only deeper into the miry swamp only to disappear when I became in desperate need of them to find my way. My “friends” LEFT me, literally left me to die alone because they didn’t care enough to find out if I lived or died. That is what my life is worth. The people who I would have done ANYTHING for, couldn’t be bothered to even call to see if I was still alive after a massive heart attack.
The pain is so great I can’t even breathe through it anymore. I feel like I am going crazy and mind is shattering to match the state of my heart. I am lost, lost to all hope now. Pretending to the world that I am fine, that life is a series of funny quips, and that I still march to the beat of a different drum, when in truth, the drums have long been silent now and the sound of marching merely an echo from the past. My actual footsteps now are mostly silent except for the soft sound of the foot deep mud releasing my feet as I struggle to make another step in a quagmire of hopeless empty sad loneliness.
Yeah I know, so cheerful isn’t it? Well I can be a hypocrite or I can tell the truth. If you don’t want to hear it, don’t read it. I have had a belly full of “friends” who threw me away at the one REAL time in my life that I needed them. So be it, I have NO ONE and the really sad part is that I have obviously NEVER had anyone, because the label of friend and best friend was so obviously lies to begin with. It is better to walk alone than to believe in people who really don’t care anyway.
1 comment:
I just went back and read, the blog Waking from the Venom and I feel fractionaly better. No, that is not true, I don't feel better, but I am more at peace with the dispair I do feel - it is not crushing me anymore, just a constant drain on my soul.
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