overwhelmed

Where to begin??? So much has happened in such a short amount of time. And not just trivial things, life-altering edge of your seat life or death things.

First, update: Went to North Carolina to see Earl, Joy, Scott and Stacey and within 5 hours of arriving had a small heart attack which placed me in the hospital where I proceeded to have a major heart attack. 3 blockages at 100% 100% and 95%. Next turned in to triple heart bypass. All within 48 hours. I felt so overwhelmed and steamrolled, like it was happening to someone else somehow. From the hospital and surgeons notes I was apparently in extremely serious condition (hence a Sunday morning surgery) and had several close calls. I was never scared though. It was almost like I didn’t care either way.

I know I had a lot of people praying for me, but to tell the truth, most of them are just acquaintances and not really my friends. In fact the people I thought would contact me for sure didn’t, which hurt so much more than I can express. Only 1 of my best friends called me to check up on me, the other never called or wrote or anything and that almost broke my heart. Even the people from my church whom I was sure would contact me, didn’t. I do appreciate all the prayers sent up on my behalf, but lets face it, prayer is easy, you don’t have to actually get your hands dirty with the reality of dealing with real people in real situations. You just spend a moment asking God to intervene and you figure you have done your duty. Yeah, I know, I really have to work on this bitterness. But it is so very hard when the one thing I always imagined (a life and death situation) turns out soooo differently from everything I ever dreamed. The people who I dreamed would jump in with concern and care never even bothered to call. So, I am not angry at them, they are not at fault that they don’t care that much about me, but it does hurt so very much.

On top of all that I have to deal with post surgery depression (I am told) and having to give up an entire lifestyle which was all I had to combat the loneliness. Now I don’t even have that. And then there is God.

God so very obviously placed me in Wilmington to have all this happen because I would never have gone to the ER had I been home alone AND one of the nation’s top heart surgeons was my surgeon. Twice, I was in serious and critical condition and the whole weekend I was a breath away from a MAJOR heart attack because of the blockages. God I feel free to say obviously has something He wants me to do here because of the amount of trouble he went into to make sure I stayed. But I don’t know what it is.

As to relationships, I have totally given up. I was unwanted before, now with the horrible scars I will not be able to wear my renaissance gowns or shoot my bow or wear anything that makes me feel attractive. Because I no longer even have that. I have cried and now I am done. It is over; I have nothing left except to trudge through this mess of my life alone. So be it.

I know this is whinny. I know I am moaning and groaning about God performing a miracle, but I am just so overwhelmed I can’t see past the moment. I accept that God has a plan, that I am included, and that there is something for me to do, but I am struggling with the moment. Thus this blog that allows me to put on paper the heartache and loneliness and hopelessness I feel. Somehow, the excitement of knowing God has a reason for me to go on, is overshadowed by the things I have lost. I know that is wrong thinking, but I am not sure how to get past it.
I need God to help me emotionally. I need His hand on my thoughts and my emotions and I NEED Him to comfort me and encourage me because ultimately, there is no one else who can.