Life moves on - trying to find peace in pain by putting it in words

It has been a while since I posted anything and I thought now was as good a time as any.

I went to CR tonight with no real understanding of why I continue to go. I mean, it is really a great place for the people who need it, but I just can’t find where it does anything for me. I have been going because it was somewhere that I could contribute and help others by playing my flute and singing in the choir. The “sharing” times don’t help me at all. I have never been one to “hide” my thoughts or emotions so there is no real “release” in getting them out. I am finding, after 40 something years of being a wide open person, that not letting the people around me see what is really going on makes everybody happier. It makes them happy to see that I don’t talk about any dark and overwhelming thing and they can go on with their lives (not that they wouldn’t have done that anyway, but I give them the benefit of the doubt to think that they at least would have felt bad for me) J. Truth is, people don’t want to know. They do not want to hear anything sad or negative or whatever, so I am learning to not tell them. And it is HARD!! Let me tell ya. I was not made to keep things inside, but I am getting better at it.

Now, I went to CR thinking perhaps it would be the last time because it might be time to quit, but once again (it happens every bloody time) when I get on stage, something changes. I cannot explain it except to say that I just get happy and funny. I will admit that I like the fact that the others think I am a bubbly and funny person who always has a smart remark or quip to keep everyone laughing, but no matter how I walk in the building, weather sad, or angry, or just blah, something happens when I step on stage and I just fall in love with playing and singing all over again. It may also have to do with the fact that I know I am wanted up there. That my voice and my flute are welcome additions to the choir does make me feel happy, but it is beyond that. I believe it is supernatural enabling of God. Not sure why, but I think He is what reaches into my soul and for that time on stage changes me. Sometimes the feelings go with me when I step down and sometimes they don’t, but I keep going back for the joy I feel in being a wanted part of something ministering to others.

Now, daily life has not been so good this week. I am in the downhill fall toward my birthday, which is rarely a happy event for me and work and school are very stressful as well. I just continue to struggle and hope that everything turns out ok for these last two classes for my MA. I am so proud of what I have accomplished, everyone things school is so easy for me, but they don’t know how much I work for it. Add to that, the personal responsibility I take on my shoulders concerning my job and how I struggle with feelings of low worth due to a job I did not ask for working in conditions that are not conducive to really making a difference in students, which is why I became a teacher. I take some of my sense of self from my career and when the government ties your hands to prevent you from truly making something work, I take it as a personal sense of non accomplishment. I HATE doing things that I consider a waste of time, and I seem to be doing a lot of it this year.

On the personal level, I feel my last friends slipping away. Something is going on and I don’t know what, but I know there is something I am not being told. One is understandably drifting away due to location and lifestyle changes in family circumstances. Another seems to have just stopped talking to me. After years of being in tune with each other on a special level, she just seems to be done with me. I don’t know if it has to do with something I have done, something she is going through, or something that she just can’t face telling me, I just wish it would change back, cause I miss my friend. And the last, I don’t even know how to address the loss of the last leg of my trio. I let myself fall in love, which I know was stupid and a mistake, but I thought he would be able to handle my stupidly without letting it mess up our friendship. I was wrong. He didn’t walk away, he ran. Apparently, me loving is a bad thing that nobody wants. And the really heartbreaking part is that I just want my friend back. He used the excuse that he would not have time to communicate, but the reality is that he chooses not to. He has time to do other things and talk to other friends, but not me and he is a fool if he thinks I don’t know that. If he would just talk to me, and occasionally let me know that we are still friends, I would be ok with that, but the silent treatment is exactly what Zak did before and reminds me that I am worse than someone who is hated, because I am not even worth acknowledgement of existence. Even dislike means you occasionally think of someone, but distant unconcern is like being told you are no more than dust beneath their feet. Not even worth a 2-minute email or short text. But to be honest, there was only one person in my life who has ever really treated me like a friend. Only she has ever wanted to be my friend enough to give me the social contact that I needed to feel wanted and a part. Everyone else had “forgotten” or just didn’t care enough to give me that tiny bit of social contact that I so desperately need and without my reaching out to them, most would have just let it go like it never mattered at all. Huh, maybe it never did.

Did I do it? I don’t know. I feel like I did, but no one will talk to me, so I can only assume it is my fault somehow. Is there something so damaged and wrong with me that no one wants to reach out to me and be my friend? If I don’t reach out, will I continue to fall into the dark alone and be forgotten by everyone? Sigh, I just don’t know anymore and I don’t want to make them be nice to me if they don’t want me around anymore. I just wish I didn’t feel so alone.

I feel totally rejected at the moment, by everyone I have ever loved. Not one of them has contacted me in weeks. I just don’t matter to them anymore I guess. Fair enough, people move on I guess, I just wish I could let go as easily as they do. I wish I didn’t care.
I hurt so much right now; all because the people I love more than my own life, have left me behind, without so much as a backward glance. Three friendships that I would have sworn that I would never loose no matter what, gone, drifted like smoke on the wind because they didn’t care enough for my friendship to hold on to it. So, what does that make me? God is still here, and I am SOOOO grateful for that, but I still hurt and the saddest part is that there is no one left to tell it too except a black page and an empty blog. I am so pathetic; I can’t even stand me right now. lol.