Thoughts for a Thursday

I was sitting tonight just thinking about stuff (I do that) LOL, and I was struck by something I hadn’t actually put into words before.

If (not saying it is, just a hypothetical if) our only purpose on this world was to be a message to another person 100 years from now simply by the way we lived our life, how would we deal with that? I mean so much of our lives is spent searching for some sort of sense of self. Even within the world of Christianity, we expect to retain our own uniqueness. (AND I am not saying that God did not intend us to be that way). I just wonder how we would respond if God spoke to us today and told us that we would live out our lives with the good and the bad with no great revelations or insights of a personal nature, simply living day to day while life happened around us. How would we respond if we truly thought there was NOTHING in it for us other than a nebulous fuzzy idea of the understanding that we would be in heaven with our Father one day? To put it another way, what if we are simply cannon fodder. The nameless masses that are thrown in the front lines and affect the tide of battle but rarely on an individual level.

I believe our answer to that question will define our Christianity. It kinda goes along with the saying I heard … “If you want to know if you have a true servant’s heart, check yourself the next time someone treats you like a servant.”

I am NOT saying that God has no recognition of us as individuals and in fact the Bible makes it clear that Jesus died for each of us on an individual level, therefore each individual has intrinsic worth to God. I am just asking a hypothetical question to make us reflect on the things that drive us to do what we do.

I followed up this thought process with a look at why I pray for things. I will often find myself praying for God to work miracles and to show Himself to His church, but I have to carefully examine my motives. Yes, I do care and want God to reveal, and heal, and save, and work all sorts of miracles for the benefit of both the saved and unsaved, but there is a thread in my thought process that also wants to be recognized as a useful vessel of God. I want those in authority to see ME as worthy to God. Perhaps this is because I fell confident that those in authority have no use for me and have never made me feel anything but a failure and a waste of their time, a bit of low self-esteem that is an underlying driver for some of my prayer requests. I think because I know that they believe me worthless in the Kingdom I want them to see that God doesn’t feel the same way. Almost like I want God to shame them for ignoring me for lack of a better description. I want so badly to be someone.

But then, what happens when God never shows up and shows out. I then start to doubt my worth to God as well. Not that He needs me lol, but just doubt that He wants me for anything important and that sends me into a spiral of depression because my life is so sad I want it to have some meaning somewhere. If I have to live this life alone in the world, I desperately crave to be important to God (and admittedly recognized by others who walk with God) as a person of worth. I guess because I am not worthy of a mate I am seeking to be worthy as a vessel of God. But mixed all in that good and noble goal, is a lot of human self-doubt and selfishness.

And thus we return full circle to where we started J. I am good at that LOL. How do I respond if God’s message to me is that I am without worth except as an example of how to live the life we are given even when we know there is not going to be a happy ending? Can I accept that I am cannon fodder? Know that my life is only here as part of a massive whole that I will never see clearly and will never affect anything as an individual? That I was put here merely to die among the unnamed masses.

Weather it is true or not is not so much my question as what my answer will be. If God NEVER answers another single prayer and NEVER shows anyone that I am wanted by Him for anything, was the cross enough.

Heavy thoughts for a Thursday.