First let me say, this is dispairing and dark and not happy and hopeful, so fair warning for those looking for the lighter side. This is not about asking for comments or help, this is just the only way I could think of to release intensity and it at least provides me with the illusioin of friends that are still here. So read this knowing that I don't want peppy little comments or condolances from people who think that they have done their Christian duty by making a comment and thus made some kind of difference. I know that seems harsh, but the time for empty words is over. To be honest, I don't expect anything from anyone. Everybody has their life and their needs and their issuses, mine are just mine and honestly, I don't think anyone but God is going to be able to address mine.
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Keep it hidden, keep it personal, keep it in the family, keep it to yourself…. I used to think that if I shared the pain that overwhelms me at times that it would make it easier to deal with. That sharing the sadness would make it less somehow. I have no idea if that worked or not, but times and places and people have changed so much I have no one to share it with now, so the point it moot. So I come here to pour out all the pain and sorrow and anguish to a world that doesn’t really care either and hasn’t got the time to deal with any distress but their own. Fair enough I guess, oh what the hell am I saying, it is not fair at ALL but it is the way it is.
Sometimes the pain and sorrow crushes me to the point that I cry until my head is spinning. Not silent pathetic tears, but loud anguished and hopeless sobs. No one hears them, except Jesus and at the moment all I know about that is that he could make it better, but he doesn’t, therefore he must feel that I deserve it too. Bad enough that you are subject to sadness that you don’t deserve, but to be such a screw up that you do deserve it and will never have anything but despair. What do you do when you feel that even Jesus has deserted you to pain so great you cannot even catch your breath.
I sit here, typing as a flood of tears soaks my shirt and my heart squeezes tighter and tighter until I wish it would stop. Most of the time I am ok living on a hope that tomorrow will be better and it will not always be this way, but I am drowning right now. Dear GOD I am drowning and there is no one to care. Nowhere to go and no one to call. I am too high maintenance emotionally for friends to stick around. Even those who once called me friend don’t want to deal with the title-wave of pain and sorrow. And the rest, the rest is silence lol, self-righteous people who have NO CLUE and cannot even imagine the weight of what keeps me from taking a deep breath. I actually like that they keep their mouths shut, because silence is better than the platitudes of the “holy” masses that would say “get over it” or “cheer up.” Even the thought of those people makes me want to puke.
Is this life, well it certainly seems to be mine? Is this a spiritual attack, possibly, but I am so buried that I can’t even breathe, much less fight a battle, especially a battle that I cannot see how I could possibly win. I never win. For 40 years I have lost this battle and I don’t want to see the battleground anymore. I don’t want to see tomorrow under the same hopeless skies. There seems to be no way out. I say seems, because I know that in the end, I am not so much giving up as desperately trying to find a way to write myself out of this hell hole of pain and hopelessness. It doesn’t seem to matter, nothing matters more than getting another breath and even that desperation starts to fade as time passes and the despair doesn’t end.
Do I want people saying poor me? No I do not. Do I want people to give me platitudes or promises that they can’t deliver and God doesn’t promise me? Hell no. Do I want my family to see the utter darkness I am trapped in? No, there is no point in hurting those who are happier without knowing. Their knowing will not end this pain; therefore there is no point in telling anyone. Why am I posting this on a blog then? I guess somehow, somewhere deep inside me it is the only way I have left to ask for help. Those who have left me are gone and are not coming back and long distance destroys everything over time. I know there are 1 or 2 of you that might read this, and I apologize for that. I don’t know how to explain that I really am sitting here unable to get a good breath from the pain that is ripping through my mind. You have your own lives and issues and don’t need to worry about mine. And those I love most have stopped caring because it was too much effort. I don’t blame them, but I stagger under the pain of that loss on top of the hopeless agony I am already buried under.
God, if I could just breathe. If I could just stop crying long enough to find something to hold on to. I love you God and I know Your word says that You filter everything we go through both good and bad. But God, this hurts so much and I just can’t face it. I am sorry I am such a failure. I try to build up some sort of pride in the fact that You have me walk alone, endlessly and always alone, and sometimes I succeed in that, but today all I want is for it to end. I see love through the window, but I cannot enter without Your opening the door and You just stand there showing me what I cannot have, and giving me no alternative. And You know I am not speaking of a specific person (for anyone reading this) and I don’t want love for love’s sake, I simply want to belong somewhere, to someone. I am so very tired of drifting upon an empty endless sea.
I am tired of talking, I am too tired to cry anymore, (still can’t breathe lol) but at least now the numbness is setting in and the pain is settling to it’s normal background roar. I am tired, so very very tired. No more daydreams no more hope… at least not for the moment. Now, I will just curl up on the couch and softly cry into the darkness until I fall asleep.
It is kind of funny that the “big” issues and “political” ideas that I have discussed at length with friends and family all seem so pointless and empty now. Finish college, not finish college, leave, go, it just doesn’t matter. If I have to do it alone, it doesn’t matter where I live or what I do, it is all sound and fury… signifying… nothing.
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