It is what it is

Like the title says, it is what it is. Don't want pity or people telling me how "if I would just "choose" to feel differently" then I wouldn't have this problem. I have a lovely 4 letter F word for that and in truth I am just too tired to care enough to fight back. Remember the dying kitten poem, well this one goes in the same catagory. I spent the last 2 days trying to climb out or at least find a bit of driftwood, but in the end, I couldn't and I couldn't let them see me fall apart, so I came home. I am going to trust God no matter what. My soul feels shattered and in so many fragments that inside my head I am simply spinning in a blinding twist suspended with nothing to grab or brace against and only holding on with my teeth above the ring while under the big top silent spectators watch to see if, or when, I will let go.

Not Waving, But Drowning

Choking, gasping for air, arms flailing
up and then down, down, down.
Each surfacing shorter and shorter
as the strength to fight fades
buffeted by the knowledge
that help will never come.
And with a last farewell to the world above
the weight of a lifetime drags the swimmer down
finely acknowledging that the struggle was useless
and water soaked tears announce the end
of a life lived in vain.

06/10/09

and yet, it must also be said, that I keep holding on without any real understanding of why when I realized how easy it would be with my medical situation. Yet again, I continue to hold on, I continue to look up, because in the darkest bottom of the pit, where there is no light and no hope in this world, I still know that God can change anything and everything, including me inbetween the beat of a heart or from one breath to the next and I have hope. Perhaps not much, perhaps no where near enough. A tiny flicker perhaps, that may waver in the wind, but is promised by God to not be put out. Hope, that He hears and He knows and He will come when I call, even without the evidence of proof. I am broken, no, more than broken, I am shattered and the pieces of my heart are in such tiny fragments I can't even attempt to put them back together. I need You God! I need the Comforter and the Healer and I NEED the Bridegroom. Rejected by all, both friend and stranger, I NEED to feel Your Love and Your Acceptance so that I can stop choking on the salty taste of endless tears which drain the soul of hope. I have no other hope but YOU and I cry Abba Father, Please...