Trusting God

I finely understood something that I have NEVER understood or for that matter been able to see even when it was pointed out to me. Satan distracts me with concerns of loneliness and depression and lack of love and I have allowed those concerns to prevent me from doing what God has always wanted me to do. Seek Him and His path and Trust Him Truly. I have always used the excuses about loneliness and allowed those thoughts and wants to distract me from the real issue, which has NOTHING to do with the physical reality I live in, but has EVERYTHING to do with the spiritual reality I live in and therefore will redefine my physical reality. Even if my physical reality NEVER changes, my vision will be spiritually redefined to see through different eyes and God will either provide me with my heart's desire because I am doing as the Bible says and seeking Him and His Kingdom FIRST (and all other things will be added) OR God will change the way I see and will change the desires of my heart.

It is about letting go. Not pretending to let go and then becoming consumed with the details of life, but truly letting go. Letting go of fear, letting go of desires, letting go of expectations of God. I am learning to let go of my fear of many things (and this is a daily process I continue to work on :) Letting go of my dreams and desires (again back to the daily, hourly, moment by moment lol - not because they are bad, but because they are distractions to God's true purpose and plan in my life) and letting go of my expectations of who God is and how God should act (even according to His word). It is not about rewards or punishment, it is not about provision or loss, it is not even about gifts of the spirit or EVEN the paths that God would have us walk - it is simply about our relationship to Him. All ELSE will be added (or not) to us as we get closer and closer to Him and in truth, the closer to Him we get, the less we will care about what we have to live through on a daily basis because we will start to understand Paul when he speaks of contentment in plenty and contentment in lack because we come to understand truly that this world and everything in it and on it, including EVERYTHING in our lives will pass away.

This world is not irrelevant, but we should consider it so until God tells us what our place in it is to be, because without God providing that place, then everything we do in this world is irrelevant. What a man builds will come to nothing if God does not provide the blueprints. And we are unable to read the blueprints if we don't understand contractor talk which means we have to spend enough time with the contractor (God) that we understand what He is actually saying. Otherwise we are trying to build a foundation on shifting sand. Getting something done for the sake of finishing is not what it is about especially when the building cracks and falls after the first major storm. What we are building will take time and true dedication to the creation of a master plan. Not just any plan, but one that supersedes all others. And it may be filled with gifts and blessings or it may be filled with death and imprisonment (and there are many kinds of prisons) but it will for sure be FILLED with the SPIRIT of the Living God and where God resides, POWER to change the world, but of MUCH greater importance, POWER to change people flows…



Now if I could just find a way to let go completely of my heart. See, it isn’t all sunshine and roses. Sometimes, in the midst of revelation and inspiration, we still have to deal with hurt and sadness. In fact, right now I have decided to sit back and quit fighting. Quit fighting my heart, which tells me that I will NEVER have the one thing I want. Quit fighting my mind, which is telling me how wrongly others have treated me. Quit fighting my situation, which tells me that I will never be anything or anyone of worth to anybody. And quit fighting to figure things out. I am just going to sit down and throw myself on the alter of God. Even though I don’t hear Him, even though I don’t see Him, even though I can’t feel Him near, I am going to trust that he is, and will be and has everything that feels like it is killing me under His control. Here is my latest poem about what I am dealing with at the moment.

The Gauntlet
The journey of life is never easy
Each new road a vision of light
But as the path stretched out ahead
Darkness came and brought the night.

At first the path was clear and open
The only obstacle where earth and sky meet;
Then without warning, the curtains fell
And revealed the cramped and narrow street.

Walls of bars on either side
Not unlike a dungeon find
The way behind completely blocked
And dark and mist arise to blind.

The attack begins with little jabs
An idle ouch and rub the spot
But as I tried to take each step
A desperate battle became my lot.

Spears with poisoned razor tips
That slash and stab with lighting’s strike
Leaving shallow bleeding wounds
More to prolong than kill outright.

My mind in fragments lost at sea
My body weak from mortal blight
My heart curled in a fetal ball
My eyes grow dim with fading sight.

With determined hope and shallow breath
To broken and bloody for else to do
I simply breathe out, “Father God,”
“No matter what, I’m trusting you.”

02/28/09