The doldrums

So, it's been a while and although things are moving along without major bumps at the moment, I seem to be in a bit of a funk.  (I am fairly sure i am in Peri-menopause which I can say, without reservation, SUCKSSS!!)

Anyway, I am going to pretend that this blog is my friends and that you care.(snort) lol (BG excluded cause well I know you care some but life kinda has you upside down too at the moment)

So, anyway I have 2 things to talk about and see if I can figure some stuff out because I find answers often by bouncing ideas and thoughts and feelings off of others and since I no longer have any "others' to bounce things off of, I thought I would just try to write them out here.

First, I was seriously thinking of going to church tomorrow when it hit me why I was so reluctant to go. It is partially because I have been away so long that it is easier now to stay home than to go. I have gotten out of the habit of getting  up and going to church.  Usually I also have a LOT of work to do at school, but somehow this week I got ahead of the curve so I could go if I wanted.  The problem is ... I don't want to go.  It isn't because I am angry at anyone or have any "issues" with God (we be mates :)) I just don't want to go.  There is nothing that will happen there tomorrow that will not happen at my house.  And before you say we are supposed to gather together I thought of that and honestly, I am tired of going alone, sitting alone, and leaving alone.  There is no togetherness, just a lot of co-worshiping (as in everyone worshiping in the same place but not with same mind) and everyone leaves to go their own separate ways. I do love to hear the pastor because he almost always has something really good to say that I get revelations or inspiration from, but it all just seems like too much effort to have to get up and go all the way over there when I can just stay home and here the preaching if I want to look online, and stay in my self induced cave.

I don't even feel God pushing me to go.  I feel nothing.  No desire to be there (they certainly do not indicate a desire to have me) and I feel no desire to be anywhere there are people for that matter.  It is like the heart attack, surgery and subsequent year of hell removed any burning desire I had to be around people and to be a part of anything other than God.  I have grown so very close to God over the past few years, (leaps and bounds of spiritual maturity have happened) but by the same distance I have grown apart from the people I once loved as much as my own family.

So there it is.  Not sure what to do if anything. So far I have been coasting on this sea of disassociation from other people, but I just don't know.  I don't feel .... anything really.  Just drifting with the tides, trusting God to take care of me and be with me, but actually withdrawing from others because of the emotional cost down the road.  Wow, I am so not the same person I was only a few years ago.  Anyway, don't know what to do with all that, just needed to get it out of my head.

The second thing I need to acknowledge is the truth that no one really wants to be around me.  Even now, when I am funny and mostly cracking jokes that have people laughing, they still don't want to spend time with me.  No one seeks me out.  No one visits me. No one puts forth any effort at all to touch my life.  No complaining really, just don't understand.

I was on okcupid for a little while and I realized that I could never get involved with someone I didn't know very well in fact the only man I would trust really would be one who was already established as a friend. I don't trust any of the men who send emails (for good reason lol) but I just don't want to worry with it all either.  I have this feeling that the last time I gave my heart I never got it back. Oh, not that I am not over that whole thing, but somehow in the process that last time, my heart got shattered and now it is broken and doesn't work right.  Hahahahaha maybe in the heart surgery they switched the wiring lol.

All I know is that even the guys who were my friends didn't want anything to do with me.  That there is something so intrinsically "wrong" with me that not even those who considered themselves my friends wanted to deal with it. Fair enough.  I just wish I knew what it was.

Something else I have just figured out after watching the inner workings of the FB DragonCon singles group is that I don't want to have to encourage a guy to like me or ask me out etc... I want to be pursued.  I want to be chased and fought for.  Not fought for physically, but fought for as in he would want to know the things I like and try to win my heart by getting to know me. I want a man who will provide me a shoulder to lean on and expect me  to provide one for him when needed.  I just want to be the most important thing, after God, to someone.  Oddly enough, now tempering that is this emotional sargasso sea that I seem to find myself drifting in nowdays. No real expectation of rescue, no real hope even that anything will ever be different and only an expectation of this endless drifting until the day my heart stops beating and I take my last earthly breath.

Sounds over dramatic doesn't it lol.  I really don't mean to be.  I just am, here.  It feels like I am going nowhere and have nothing to show for all the wheres I have been till now.  An empty shell. floating in the doldrums, without wind or sails, just drifting through life with very few expectations left and even less hope. Not sad, not angry, not depressed even, just empty, determined to trust God regardless, but with no hope of expectation of anything ever changing, and my only thoughts, "what now?"