Thanks to God, I am free at last

As I was talking to a friend I realized some rather astonishing things. I am free. For the first time in at least 41 years I am free. I remember my first major depression. I was 5 years old and in kindergarten. From that time on, I have spent 41 years in a never ending battle with depression. Sometimes, I lost and sometimes it was a draw. Never was it a win. But, I survived and mostly with my sanity intact lol. But as I talked I realized that I have not suffered a MAJOR depression for the last year. I have dealt with minor stuff, like I assume everyone deals with at some point, but NOTHING like the darkness I have struggled with since that early age of 5.




Part of this freedom, comes from finely being comfortable in my own skin. I am no longer struggling to be a person that everyone will like, no longer walking on egg shells trying not to disappoint the people in my life. I am an odd duck, and I am completely comfortable with that and no longer even pretend to hide that I walk to the beat of a different drum.



This came about through a combination of things, but oddly enough through the process of God taking something that was meant for my harm and using it for my good. I still don't like it when people don't like me :) but I am no longer a people pleaser. I have never been afraid to stand on my own and alone (which is a very good thing lol) but now, I also find that I don't have to “defend” myself. I don't get angry like I used to. I just don't HAVE to defend what I believe or think, I just know what I know and other's can't shake that and I don't feel the need to justify it by beating others over the head with it. I am no longer afraid to express my beliefs, but I don't feel the need to use those beliefs to judge others. I am not their judge or jury and very glad that is true :). Other Christians have to answer to God for their choices, so unless they ask me or I have that type of relation with them, it is not my place to “correct” them. As for the world, I am not afraid to say I once was lost but now I am found, and not because of ANY organized religion, but because of a personal relationship with a living God and His Son and Spirit.



I also realized that I am ok with spending my life alone. It is not the life I would have chosen for myself for sure, but it is the life I have and I am content with it. I am ok, coming home to an empty house. I am really ok with the belief that I will never get married, and if you knew me, you would know that HAD to be God, because of all the grief and angst that desire for a husband has caused me.



I am ok with my health. It is not super, but it is ok. I have lungs that work and a heart that beats with a normal rhythm. I have lost much of the upper body strength I used to have and my eyesight is defiantly fading, but I am content (although I really don't want to loose my good eyesight), BUT whatever happens I will praise God.



He hasn't saved me from the storms of life, nor has he promised that those storms are over, (in fact I feel like there is a storm coming that will attack all Christians and SOON), but He did promise to take that which the devil meant for my ill and use it to work for my good. He did not promise to rescue me from the storm, but he did promise to provide all the strength I would need to face them and whatever they bring as long as I keep my eyes on Him.



I am a peace. I am in a calm place where I am not swinging from extreme to extreme and for the first time in my life, I feel like I really do have things of worth to share with others. Insights, revelations, and words. Things that God will speak through me when and where He deems and to whom He deems, and I am perfectly ok with that. :)



This means nothing to most people that would ever see this, but to those who have known me from age 5 to 46 this is a me you have never seen before. A me that is resting in God and no longer at the mercy of the wind and the waves! I am not even sure when this happened, just at some point in the last year and I realized that my soul has both sobbed tears of relief and gratefulness and sings quietly under my breath of peace and acceptance.



If you don't know me, prepare to meet a very weird but fun Christian and if you have known me in the past, prepare to meet someone you never dreamed existed, I mean really, I didn't :D.