As I continue to try and make sense of my life I have come to another realization. I firmly believe in Jehovah God as maker and creator of the universe. I believe that He implemented His plan to save mankind by sending His son, born Jesus to become the sacrificial lamb as the Christ to save everyone who would believe in Him from the sins walking a life outside of the desire or concern from our loving God.
However, I realized through my wonderings and musing, often late at night and always alone, that although I do believe that God loves each of us, I ultimately do not believe that He cares what I want. This understanding makes so many of my thoughts and actions become clearer because it underlies everything I think and often the things I do. It does not always drive my actions because I do sometimes act the way I think I am supposed to regardless of how I truly feel. (Duty and honor being very strong words in my family).
I do believe that God loves me. He loves me from a “higher place” and He wants only my good as defined by His cosmic knowledge of eternity. I do not believe that He cares about how I survive life here on earth as long as His ultimate purpose is completed.
I believe that God loves me as a servant, not as a daughter. Or perhaps, love me as a King would love a daughter. He hopes that His daughter is content if not happy, but expects her to live only for the good of others and to have no concern in the world for herself except as a vessel to further the state of the Kingdom. A living sacrifice. My wishes ultimately have no worth or regard and I am expected to be nothing more than a vessel for the Kingdom.
It sounds right. The words seem to fit everything I have been taught and read and ultimately, I will follow the path I am set on by my “Father” the King, but I will never truly be happy. That is the sacrifice. I am nothing, and in and of myself have no worth, and am only a useful tool when being sacrificed for the good of the Kingdom. All my dreams and hopes and happiness must be sacrificed for the good of the Kingdom, and my Father expect me to sacrifice them (the choice is always mine – I can always refuse to follow his commands, but He still controls my destiny – so ultimately it doesn’t matter weather I follow or not, except when I follow at least I have the hope that I have made my Father happy). The ultimate base of this thought process though is that I have no worth for myself, I only have worth according to my ability to be used as a tool for the Kingdom.
It all sounds logical and the words seem to fit, but something, something so tiny and stifled and smothered still longs to be wanted for myself, treasured, loved, adored. So I set my feet to do whatever work or request my Father sends accepting that I am only a vessel and I will continue until the end to follow my Father’s will as closely as I know how, but I am filled with sadness because I am so afraid that even God only wants me as a tool and doesn’t really care that I am broken and lonely and filled with sadness. So be it.
I do not know what happens from here. I will carry on, becasue there is no way to go back and the only other option is worthless sacrifice verses a Kingdom sacrifice. I don't know if I am hoping God will reveal to me that I am mistaken or if I have grasped a greater truth that most can't handle because they cannot function thinking that God dosen't care about them personally and believe they are worth while in and of themselves.
Just a final note - this all came about when I returned home from an evening with my aunt in the hospital under admittance for a stroke and not once during that whole time did I even think to pray. I realized coming home, that it never crossed my mind to pray becuase I don't really believe that God cares what we think or want, unless it lines up with what He already has planned and in that case He has already planned it to work out the way He wants it too so, why pray. - Just saying that is what started this whole walk down this pathway.
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