Chapter 17
“If no one ever took risks, Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor.” Neil Simon.
This is the quote Chapter 17 opens with and Dr. P begins to talk about taking risks. At first, I thought of my self as a risk taker. I mean, no one else I know has the guts to leave everyone and everything they know to fly across the world all alone to a different country. But then she redefined her definition of risk taker as someone who is not afraid to receive a critical comment or not afraid of offending someone. I do not want to be rejected, exposed or hurt so when it comes to my heart I am not a risk taker.
Dr P talks about a person, who was basically a stranger, who went FAR out of her way to just be there for her at a difficult time in her life. I realized then, that once upon a time I was a risk taker. Growing up, my heart was huge. I remembered every birthday of every person I knew, I remembered every major event and knew exactly what my friends and family liked and didn't like in gifts. I gave and gave and gave and no one ever gave back. Before you get the wrong idea, I didn't give to get, (well, mostly :)) but the highlight of what I am describing was my 21st birthday when I invited everyone on our college bus to come to a lakeside party and no one showed up. That was the beginning of the end of my risk taking I think. I just remember sucking it up and hanging out with two friends and not letting them know how I was bleeding inside. I don't think I was rejected as much as I perceived it growing up, being so consumed with depression and self-hatred, but somehow, through the years, the perception became the reality. Perhaps because I began to push people away and put a wall around my heart. And now, I am no where near as closed off as I used to be, but I am still a long way from trusting anyone not to hurt me and after this heart attack I am terrified of letting ANYONE ever again have the power to shred my soul and shatter my heart. But with that desire to protect myself I am struggling to forgive selfish behavior and I have lost my compassion for others.
Dr. P talks about feeling so hurt by other's responses that she didn't want to reach out anymore. She also talked about being so disappointed that she wanted to give up because someone knocked her down because they misread her intentions and motives, but then she said she eventually picked herself up because she realized that God knew her intentions.
That is where I am right now. So hurt and damaged by others that I don't want to do anything except crawl into a hole and pull the dirt in over me. And I have been looked down on by others and misunderstood and misread by people for so long that I don't even know what to do anymore, much less loosing any desire to do the work required to change those perceptions not to mention that I do not think it is the place of the person who is damaged to have to heal themselves. If a person has broken legs, you don't tell them to get up and walk, but people think that they can just demand that people with severe depression “get over it.” If you want to help a disabled person learn to walk, you get them the right tools and provide motivation and encouragement. Why do people find it so hard to do the same for those with broken hearts. I don't have an answer, I just find it sad that both I and so many others are left to grieve and hurt alone when we need tools and motivation and encouragement to face our darkness and overcome it.
Dr P ends the chapter with a quote that I like.
“People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good people, will accuse you of selfish ulterior
motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you will win false friends and true
enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest anyway.
The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas
can be shot down by the smallest men and woman
with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.
People favor the underdog but only follow top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed
overnight.
Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack you if you
do help them.
Help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you'll get
kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.”
Chapter 18
This chapter is about the need we have for compassionate witnesses. This is not people who will indulge us, but who have made the effort to really get to know us and that we have given “permission” to speak into our lives when a strong word is necessary. Dr P notes that the adage that 'Time heals all things' is not quite true. Time only heals the wounds that are shared and understood. NOTHING can make a greater difference than a friend who not only cares, but really listened and gave positive perspective.
The other important detail Dr P says is that a compassionate friend MUST be available, even when it is not convenient or easy. I figure the only way to be a compassionate friend is to also be aware of the concerns and hopes and fears and MUST be willing to step out and make the first move and extend the hand of compassion and understanding to be able to impart the truth of direction. Without the relationship of trust and compassion, offered words, ESPECIALLY harsh or negative ones (even if they are true) will be rejected because they are spoken outside of love.
I began this with the “righteous” anger of someone who has been betrayed by those I thought were my friends and Christian family, but the truth is that this lesson is for me. When God helps me get my compassion back I want to be the person who goes out of the way to be there for others, like I wished that someone had been there for me. I am not alone in my aloneness, there are others out there who also need people to care, I want to be one of those people not one who is too busy with my own selfish concerns that I leave them out in the cold alone and hungry after saying be warm and be feed. And yes I know there is still tons of poison and bitterness in that, but I am trying to give it to God if for no other reason than I NEVER want to be like them.
Which ultimately means that I HAVE to forgive them truly because THEY are broken and damaged. Their damage is not in their heart but in their minds, they are allowing the world to dictate their lives, not God and therefore I need to be strong for them. I need to make sure that I am in a deep and close relationship with God and listening to whatever He directs me to say and do.
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