You Matter - Chapter 10 - Webs

Chapter 10

Dr. P starts this chapter off with an example that shows how women evaluate men based on feminine standards and how we forget, if we ever knew, that men see the world in a completely different way than us. Then she went on to say that one of the reasons we discount our contributions as women is because we, unlike men, value intimacy over independence.

Man did this ever make my ears pick up!!! ALL my life I have always noted that I would give up every single material thing I had, if I only had someone to love and someone that loved me. For many years I was angry and resentful towards men (because I believed that they had rejected me as a gender) and even after I reconciled myself to truly appreciate men as a gender, I would completely give up my independence for the intimacy of a marriage. Now of course, I also realize what a task it would be for a woman full grown and a man of the same to find compromise in a marriage after a lifetime of independent thought. Not saying it isn’t possible or that it is not worth it, just saying I recognize that it would not be easy to combine two completely separate lives.

Then Dr. P goes on to talk about how men seem born with a desire to prove themselves as independent and capable. Women are more inclined to seek to bind themselves with others to share the journey of life. Women seek relationships all around them, while men prefer to show the world that they can “go it” alone.

Back to me here… suddenly I am reminded of how I choose, all those years ago, to recreate myself in an image that I felt could handle the constant rejection of others (sometimes real, sometimes perceived). I created a persona who was tuff, smoked, talked tuff and could handle anything. A woman who did not need a man at all, who could handle any situation she had to face alone and without assistance. This is rare, but not as rare as it used to be I think. There are so many women who are having to “go it alone” in the modern world, who don’t have networks of support or someone to help with those hard decisions or choices that they have literally stepped into men’s shoes. The only real problem with that is that women were never designed to be men. Women suffer “damage” inside when they HAVE to be “the man” of the house, in a way, instead of making them strong as they are seeking, it makes them broken. Oh, they learn to walk in a man's world, but that piece of themselves created by God to be soft is damaged and broken, not unfixable, but making a hard road much more difficult in the long run. This is why, no matter how independent I was, or confident of my abilities to take care of myself, there was never a time when I would not have given it all up for an intimate relationship.

Next Dr. P talks about how women approach problem solving with relational concerns that are heart felt and evoke feelings where men usually face problem solving with abstract thinking or principal considerations. A man’s perspective is much more often black and white compared to the common gray of a woman’s perspective. She uses a nice story about two kids and their take on solving a problem to show what she is talking about.

Then she switched to a memory of a post partum thing she went through after having her son and how she talked to someone who knew what she was going through and counceled her so that when her young friend had a child she called her exactly 6 months afterwards to talk to her and found her in the same sort of state. She understood and was able to correctly counsel her friend because she had dealt with the hormonal imbalances herself and had great empathy to good effect. Her husband, Dr. P says, a very good psychologist would not have been able to effectively counsel her friend because he just cannot “get” that part of it. Many times, Dr. P stated, only a woman can really reach out to and connect with another woman because of the differences in the ways that men and women view the world around them.

This is what women do, Dr. P says. Every experience we have connects us relationally to other women in our lives. It is what builds a web of connection. And that is where she begins to talk about the importance of being connected to others.

I had another eyes wide moment when she spoke about how a woman will spend time and energy to console a friend who is down as compared to a man who is more prone to tell his friend to “buck up.” That was her exact wording, an expression that has caused me hours and hours of grief and hurt and anger and sorrow. But suddenly, makes more sense, it still does not help me at all, but I can see where it came from now and why I didn’t take it so well then. :)

She uses this point to say that woman are actually noted in the work place as being better at interpersonal skills and showing more empathy, making employees feel more productive and loyal towards companies. All this, Dr. P states, is to let women know that by our very nature, we make a bigger difference than we ever imagine. Then she says that we matter most when we are being true to ourselves as women because that is who God created us to be and THAT is what makes a difference.

I have come down a long long road through shy terror, into hateful independence, merging into desperate fantasy-like longing, and now into a slow understanding of why I have been created like I am. No apologies needed for the way I think or feel, but no resentment held either for men who cannot possibly understand what goes on within the mind and heart of a woman of God. :) Equal, but different. Men are the force that drives the world forward, but women are the glue that keeps it all from falling apart. Alone, each would only find entropy or chaos, but together men and women provide the necessary structure for the kingdom to function properly as God intended.