It’s so weird. One day I am actively seeking more ways to connect to other Christians and to learn more and the next I don’t really care if I live or die. Not suicidal by any means, but I just have no interest in living anymore.
I always used to whine and cry that I was broken and worthless and nobody wanted me blah blah blah. Yeah, whatever, but now I really believe it and I am not crying into my milk over it, I have just accepted that I am broken. That whatever God wants with me (of which I have no clue other than the basics) He does have a plan, but I can’t see or hear it.
Something shattered in my soul after my heart attack. Something in me that always held out hope, even when no one reflected that hope, it was still there holding on to the hope that someday someone would care. That if I was REALLY in trouble, they would respond. They would come to me. But they didn’t and I had to face a reality that I truly have no worth to anyone in this world other than a casual relationship. I broke. The hope broke. There is no more false belief in my “friends” and no more hope that tomorrow will be better. But I also accept that it is not my time to die. So I sit here in the dark, after years of being in the dark and alone and know that no one is coming and that no one really cares and I have no hope that it will ever be different. And I don’t know what to do.
I go to church and I make the right motions but I have no real connection to anyone other than Debbie. I go hoping to find God there, but I haven’t felt His presence there in a long long time. May be me, or may not be. I just keep going because I don’t know what else to do and I cannot tolerate being preached doctrine instead of the Bible like they did at the Baptist church I went to. AND I do love the kids at my church.
I go to work and smile while I am shattered inside. I sit in my office in the mornings a fight not to break into hard sobbing tears of hopelessness. I walk from class to class and try to help my kids survive in an education system designed by an asinine government to fail them.
I walk after work every day and I eat the right foods and take my meds and I drift through the endless hopeless days. I come home each night to an empty house and sometimes go for days not talking to another person. I eat alone, I watch TV alone, I read books (lots and lots of books) alone, I sit on my computer for hours and hours waiting… hoping, someone will post something on FB just so I can interact with someone. Sometimes I feel like screaming at the emptiness on those days when I am tired of reading and watching mindless endless tv.
One of the blogs I was reading today when I googled where does God want me to go was about God not so much directing our every step as being a part of everything we do. It made since of something David said all those years ago about God not caring where we went to college as long as we took Him with us. The bloger went on to say that God put wants in us for goals and dreams for us to pursue and that we are to take Him with us in pursuit of our dreams and goals. His next question was, “What do you want?” I am going to try and answer that here and see if God will reveal anything to me.
1. I want to be married. I am a social creature, created by God to need social contact. Give by God a HUGE heart to love in deep and permanent ways. So, I want to love someone and to be loved by someone. I want to belong to someone and have someone who wants to belong to me.
2. I want to be of worth to the kingdom of God in a major way. I want God to look down and say, “Whom shall we send?” So I can reply, “Send me!”
3. I want to travel. I love seeing the world, especially Europe and the American West. But the truth is without the 1st want this would be a hollow journey.
All three of these wants have major barriers. World barriers that only can be breached by the Grace of God. Now I not only have the barrier of being fat and unattractive, but I am now damaged as well. No one in their right mind would love me now. Worth to the kingdom of God? He doesn’t even consider me of worth enough to send anyone to me from my church of 15+ years when I needed them. And Travel. The student loans and medical debt will take years of diligent work to pay off. By the time I am done, I will no longer be able to travel and that will be just one more dream unfulfilled.
I am done writing now. My head is echoing with the empty hopelessness of it all and I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t, but I have no other options and will face forward without hope and set my face to walk to walk down my own trail of tears fearing only empty death and loss as my future.
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