After crying myself to sleep and asking God all the while why no one wants me and when life would stop hurting too much to breathe in general I had a dream and woke up so much sadder. I don't know what to do anymore and to be honest I am really tired of trying. In my dream my daddy was alive and he and my mom divorced and my mom married someone who looked a lot like my dad but was cold and didn't care about me or my sister. I knew my dad had moved to PC but I didn't know where he was and I just wanted to find him becuase I was so lost and knew just how unloved I was at home now. the man my mom married in my dream looked simular to my dad, but he wasn't my dad and he didn't hate me, but he didn't care about me at all.
I can see this meaning quite a few things actually. One positive that is just a reflection of a Biblical truth, and many others that are sad and dark. Right now, I don't know what is going on, but I know that I hurt with every breath I take and I see no end in sight.
ok God, how do I stop caring. Please show me how not to care. Teach me how to be numb so that I don't hurt when church leadership makes me feel worthless, so I don't feel shattered inside when beloved friends don't even talk to me anymore, so I don't care that I have no one to grow old with or love, so I am not crushed that I don't make a difference that I can see anywhere in the world anymore. I just don't want to feel anymore because I don't ever see the rest changing and I don't want to live there.
thanks
Becki
3 comments:
I'm sorry you're hurting, and I don't have any answers, except, to encourage yourself in the Lord. Read the "Putting Away Childish Things" post and KNOW that God loves you and that He IS working in your life.
I love you.
Yeah I look at that post and I remember that feeling, but I just can't find anything inside left to fight with. I am just tired of hurting. The end. No excuses, no blame, no hope. Perhaps it will come back, it does usually, but for right now, I just have to set me feet, not fall, and just let it blow around me and when it is over I will see what is left to salvage. Welcome to my life.
Oh, and thank you for commenting.
Bless you
Becki
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