Seeking

I am actually not complaining (this time LOL), I am just trying to figure stuff out. I was thinking today about good marriages and how in a good marriage a husband or wife will seek out her other half to make sure they made it home, got dinner, are not cold, etc… you get the picture. And I got to thinking about why exactly I get so lonely and sad all the time and I realized that the bottom line is that I don’t have anyone who “seeks” me out. There is no one in my life that is “looking after” me. No one to care if I am cold, or stuck in the woods with a flat tire, or short of cash, or even just need someone to talk to. It is all about the seeking. When we love people we seek them out. We find ways to integrate ourselves into their lives, unless of course they don’t want us in their lives, but that is a different issue. We call, we email, we text, we send notes or cards. Just to let the people in our lives know that we care about them. The problem is that there is no one who seeks me out. Well, no one other than God.

God seeks me out every single day, and if it weren’t for Him I could not function at all. But God also made me a social creature that needs the interaction of others. There are those who are perfectly happy existing alone and need no one else, but I am not one of them. I was made to be a part. Now, the question begets itself… of what? Where do I go? No matter where I go or whom I think of, I am the 3rd and therefore the extra. It is simply a fact of life that pairs work but odds do not. I know this is rambling, well so am I at the moment.J

There is also a parallel here about seeking God. If you love someone, you seek them. You seek their company, you seek their happiness, and you seek to please them. We say we love God, but do we truly seek Him? Do we ask ourselves if what we are doing is pleasing to Him? Do we think about His happiness? I drown in a sea of loneliness because even my friends have abandoned me for other lives, but is that what I am doing to God? Abandoning Him for the loves I dream of on earth? Not that bad, but still you see my meaning. We seek so many things in our lives, but do we seek the attention and pleasure of our Heavenly Father? Do we seek His presence like we seek to find someone to love us?

This is all so mixed up in my head at the moment J I feel abandoned by my friends because they don’t seek me out and I can’t help but wonder if God sometimes feels abandoned by us because we don’t seek Him out. I would do almost anything I can think of if those I cared about didn’t ignore all my interactions and me like I was less than worthless, and I wonder if God feels the same way about us? Does He seek us out only to be rebuffed by our “busy” lives and “other” loves? Is He sitting up in Heaven watching FB and wishing that someone… would call His name? Not because He has self-esteem issues (like me) but because He loves us so very much and knows that we are going so fast down the wrong roads and He wants to stop us before we are so damaged the repairs will be extensive.

So I guess I have to ask you(myself LOL) do I pretend to not hear God because I don’t want to hear what He is saying, like others ignore me because they don’t want to hear what I have to say? The funny thing is that the answer for both situations is the same. Honesty! Just present yourself (me) before God and say, I am sorry that I was not listening. I was scared of what you wanted me to do so I pretended to not hear you. This is one of those situations where a long and quiet detailed conversation will clear the air. Sometimes the answers are not what we want to hear, but it is ok, when you know that they are offered in love. We accept the dark days with peace if not joy, because under it all we KNOW that God loves us and we know that when we love we want only the best for the objects of our affection and God being so much greater than ourselves is the very definition of love and wants the best for us.
Ok, I am going now, because I don’t really even know where this is going or if it is going anywhere. I just know the concept of seeking, both my seeking, and the lack of others seeking me, is showing me a window someone to God’s seeking out His children and to our seeking out our Father’s face.