Nahh, but change is really difficult to handle when you are minorly ocd and like things in structure.
First - Work MAJOR change. My classroom was dissolved and I was handed over to the sharks. Not really, but my classroom was "dissolved" since 2 kids (they said) do not earn their own classroom and teacher even if they don't fit anywhere else, but I have to have a job so what am I going to do. Bottom line, I am not their parents and if their parents don't fight for them, I can't. So, new job. Nightmare from below. For real, A system of teaching that I feel the governemnt is forcing on schools that is a MASSIVE failure (but what is surprising about that). Basically I have been reduced to a teacher's aide in a useless way. Oh there are a couple of students I am working with that I feel that I can REALLY help, but at least half of them are trapped in a scheduling nightmare that is completely useless and supports noone. But enough complaining - I have a job... right. Course I didn't become a teacher of special needs children for the pay check, I did it because I have a gift to help them, and if the governement stiffles that ability to help them make gains then why am I still here. Perhaps I will ask myself that in the spring.
Second - Church. I finely accepted what God has been telling me for a long long time that my church family, for the most part, was dead to me and very very cold. I used to feel that I went there for the people and becuase I loved them so much, I could not leave, even after the water turned lukewarm and then tepid and then cool. I have been hanging on to a memory of the past for a very long time now, and I have finly had to accept that the past is gone and the present was drowning and my only hope for the future was to try something else. Will it work, I don't know. If God truly is behind it all then yes, my change in churches will work to help me blow new life into my Christian walk, if God did not orchastrate it then it really dosen't matter anymore. I have no where to return to and nothing worth fighting for. We will just have to see where God takes me and trust the He knows where He is taking me.
Third - Friends - They have all gone. Lost to the sands of time and distance. Drifting on the winds of their own lives. Leaving me behind for good this time. I am glad for them, and I weep for myself. They ment more to me than they will ever know.
Forth - college - It is killing me. My brain can't figure out all the crap that my college professors want me to produce. It is like something in my head has just ... shut down, for lack of a better description. I don't feel as smart as I used to be, or maybe it is just that I don't have enough strength left to fight the battles anymore.
Fifth - body - I think, although not certian at all, but I think I am starting the change of life. Just what I needed to do. Face the normal crap of my life while I go insaine. LOL - is there a way to say laughing out loud through the tears. What hope is there now.
Oh yeah, God, I forgot. God is my hope. I just don't know what that means anymore. I follow God becuase I don't have any other answers and because there isn't anywhere else to go. Well, not exactly true, I have had offers, :) but I know who I belong to. Even in the darkest pit of my depression, I know who I belong to and I love Him and do not want to make choices to dissappoint Him. I even turned down a really cute guy's proposition at DC because I know in my heart what is really important and that is God. Because the things of this earth, husbands, wives, children, houses, land, cars, things, will all pass away until the only thing left is God. And even though I don't really comprehend that, I know it is the truth, and I know where I have to stand. I will stand where God puts me, even if it feels like quicksand, becuase I trust Him to have my greater purpose in mind, even if I drown.
No comments:
Post a Comment